I have just finished sifting through some recent posts here on The SHOCK and after a minute or so I just sat back and smiled. Here are a smattering of some recent blog topics: Love for one's Father, Hope, A new way of living, Spirituality and a belief in God, Appreciation of friends, Love for family, Positive thoughts on the future, A first kiss & remembrance and so on and on. I'm wondering: "Wow, that is pretty cool stuff, I wonder who the author is"? Ahh, wait a minute...Me?! You've got to be kidding...right?!!
Nope, not kidding...that was indeed me and better yet, I was being HONEST...no lying, this was no day-dream...far from it, it is my reality today, right NOW. And that my dear reader is the reason I live this life I do. Sure, I get it...there are bound to be folks out there who say "big whoop...that is the way my life has always been". Well hey, I'm happy for you! And I really am, no sarcasm here.
But that was NOT the way my life was...frankly a bit more then five years ago my life was in absolute ruin. And it had pretty much been all my fault, I made the choices, I drank and drugged...nobody forced me, it was not an accident, NO I did it to myself.
But honestly, I am not looking for sympathy or praise...no, the whole situation actually really humbles me to a degree that I can't really explain. The reason I tell this story is simple: I am not the only person out there that has experienced these things. And the fact is, at this very moment there are scores of hurting, hopeless feeling people out there who figure what's the point. They have failed at life and nothing can ever change that. Huh...WRONG! I tell my story to show that there is indeed HOPE, no matter how far down the scale one has gone, you can recover. I'm living, breathing proof of that.
My existence today and the quality of this wonderful life I have is a testament to the incredible Grace and Love of God. I take NO credit for my recovery, I can't...it was hands down a case of DIVINE intervention. But this is not a special circumstance...life changing events are there for anyone willing to believe in HIM. To surrender SELF and FOLLOW Jesus.
Having made that choice and exercised that decision my life indeed began to change. This is not to say things automatically got easy. They certainly did not...but I wasn't expecting them too. In fact i was expecting failure. I was conditioned to failing, so what else would I think would happen except failure.
What did happen though is I was given HOPE and the desire to change...after those gifts I was able through hard work, patience and giving myself to others to see a transformation take place, right in front of my eyes. I became a different person...one who loved others as much as himself...er, actually I started loving MYSELF for the first time ever as well...another little gift from the Creator!
Living exclusively for God and helping others in HIS name is the key to my whole recovery. As long as I solely focused on self, I was always going to fail...the moment that focused transformed to others, changes happened rather quickly. And I would be less then honest if I didn't admit to being really surprised about this whole "GOD Thing". I wanted recovery in the worst way after my suicide attempt. There is no doubt about that....
But I honestly believe that a statement made by a close friend of mine who is also a Christian now applies to me as well. He has said that he wanted the solution to his alcoholism to be ANYTHING but God. He'd drink herb tea, shave his head, meditate, go door to door...anything but please don't let the answer be God. But it is, HE is the answer for both of us.
And I found the very same TRUTH. I didn't want to be a "Jesus Freak"...yet I guess in some ways, I am. That is another inside joke he and I share...that we have now become the Jesus Freaks we used to mercilessly MOCK and make fun of in the past. I can't deny it, I just can't...
But the proof is in the puddin' as they say. And that proof is there, on the pages of this blog for all to see. I no longer HAT...myself or others. My relationships with my family have been restored and in most cases they are better, stronger and more loving then ever before. Today...I live life to LOVE, to give, NOT to take like I did before. I know serenity today and peace...all foreign concepts to me during my active addiction/alcoholism.
Those are but a few examples..of many how things have changed because of my relationship with God and the recovery he helped me discover & live, One Day At A Time.
I didn't deserve these things, I didn't EARN them...No, certainly not. They were a GIFT, bathed in the blood of my Savior and this, I cannot deny. I was forgiven and given a new Life but only could receive it by Denying Self, Dying Daily and Following HIM (LUKE 9:23)...I didn't want to, I hadn't planned on it, I wanted my salvation to come in ANY other form then in JESUS yet it was Him and only Him that could save me. So I surrendered will, my life and then...He DID.