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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Alienation Nation: Child of The HOLLOW

The day has gone relatively well, better then some and worse then others. I had some interesting stuff occur and even endured the heat fairly well. as I sit and type right now I can her the rain and thunder crackin', it's finally those T-storms they have been predicting all freaking day to no clouds and sunshine. Well we are now getting a bit of rain, but hey...I could care less...really.
So I was hanging in there all afternoon, feeling OK and getting some stuff around here done, I was thinking quite a bit because I do have a lot of questions and stuff on my mind. Then a phone call, no biggy just a short whats up and my mood takes a plunge...I am really struggling with relationships right now in my life. I cannot help but feel so different and this time it's a familiar group I feel alienated from: people from church...Christians, my friends. I just feel isolated and different from so many of the people I've gotten to know and like. I don't feel like I is not their fault, no it is something going on inside of me. Then part of me thinks I DON'T EVER want to belong...their friendship, well it isn't for me.

Yet deep down on the inside I still feel very connected to what gives. I've really had it with this sh*t. I'm tired of all the polite nodding..Ach, makes me ill...nobody gets it, really. And shoot, I don't want them to...because to really understand IT they would have to feel like me. And I wouldn't WISH that on ANYONE...I really wouldn't.
I keep trying to give this stuff up...turn it over, LET go....I mean totally let it go. But I still cling to this crap. Why don't I trust people? Why do I always sense that they lie with politeness? Are they are lying NOW, right now? These thoughts are coupled with some really disturbing reality in my life right now and it is something I cannot even allude to here but it is really some difficult stuff to get my arms around. Alcohol never helped me and ignoring thoughts/feelings certainly didn't either.

It is not a new feeling for me to feel alienated from people. It isn't new to feel looked down on but I will admit that this time has caught me off guard. I did not expect to feel inferior right now and not to these people. I start to Wonder if anything has changed...have I changed? Who am I kidding, I'm the same piece of crap that I always was and I'm just lying to myself to think that anything has really changed. Do I really believe what I believe? I feel upset, unsettled and detached in a very big way right now and I do not like having to write this but I feel like I can show readers what is going on inside by posting this better then I can try and describe it to others.

I had a regular reader make a comment today on my Black Dog Post from the other day. She mentioned that I had talked about some of the hormone therapy, Testosterone specifically that I am getting injections for and perhaps this is causing some of my issues with emotions, Depression, etc. She made a really good point and it was something my Doc and I have spoken about and are aware of but I really needed that "heads up" today to keep me on my toes.

I do think the increased intensity in which I am feeling things right now, the higher energy reactions to stuff are all results of the shots of T I am getting. they are relatively high doses as well. But I've also noticed a better tolerance to pain which is a benefit of this hormone therapy we are looking for. So I don't know...I realize that I have to hold on, keep in the game and not isolate from the world. I must continue to post here from time to time, specifically about this.

I didn't want to admit I felt this way. It feels like defeat. It is embarrassing...I know people struggle with change, it's natural and happens to everyone. But there is the rub, I don't WANT to be EVERYONE..I don't want this happening to me. See? Want, Want, I want....that inclination towards self, me, me, me,...well that isn't a good sign for this guy at all.

I feel like I'm drifting around a bit in circles so I'll close. Thank You....T