I've often felt that I can and have detached from myself during times of trouble, almost as if I'm hovering over the scene and watching my life from the point of view of an observer. I think it feels safer that way...it doesn't occur as frequently as it once did but I still have those moments. I have often thought that the ghostly, haunting image staring back at me is my 12 year old self...accusing me of murder. Murdering my innocence, damaging that child beyond all hope of every being able to recover him somewhere down the line.
I guess to a degree I feel that way still. I'm pretty sure it is a manifestation of the guilt and sense of responsibility I feel for the mistakes that I made. Well, Well...I think I've just stumbled back into the realm of FORGIVENESS again, you think?!!
I spoke about it yesterday in my discussion with my friend, who also happens to be my pastor as well. Why I cannot let this COMPLETELY go, I haven't a clue. I seem to want to. At various times recently I thought I had forgiven myself, yet I find that the guilt has already crept back into me...
That image in the mirror? It must be a living metaphor of sorts for the guilt I feel. It's rather spooky if you ask me and trust me on this, I'm no stranger to spookiness! I suppose the metaphor also serves to remind me that in reality I'm not anywhere near being finished working on myself. It's a cliche' yet I still have a long, long way to go. In healing...in my recovery. And I'm really OK with that, I can accept it.
If there is one thing I can accept with certainty it's the fact that I will always have more to learning and growing to do. I do think, that is part of the deal here...it's why I'm still here I suppose. I wasn't finished with my work here, whatever that work turns out tot be...
Ach...these are indeed tricky emotional waters to negotiate. They truly are...one minute I feel somewhat secure, like I know what I know and it's good. In the next instant I feel like I haven't the foggiest idea what I'm supposed to do. Frustrating? Ah yea, just a bit! Again...it is familiar territory, this growing by degrees kind of life I live.
I cannot imagine that I really have much of an alternative...this is my life, it's my hand...the cards I've been dealt and i have to play 'em...one way or another. And I will...er, I am...I am playing them. One day at a time...shoot, one moment perhaps at a time. But such is life and I am OK with that today. In the past I never got far enough nor cared enough to even understand that life wasn't fair and it was going to be what I made it. I know now that is indeed how it works.
Ultimately Life is LIFE. And I'm no stranger to troubled waters. Life on it's own terms doesn't intimidate me like it once did. Primarily because today I know that I am NOT alone. The Creator holds me close, I can feel it...and even more comforting is today, this morning...er, right now when I look into that same mirror...I'm no longer accusing myself of anything...and the image staring back at me is no longer alone.
