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Monday, June 20, 2011

It's THAT Dog Again!

How is it, I wonder that one (in this case little 'ole me) can feel settled and serene in the grand scheme of things yet have significant passing moments of such troubling thoughts and feelings?

I think I'm going to just blurt this out: I get really tired of feeling so "different' sometimes. Like why is it I have these moments of intense clarity where things feel so unsettled and so wrong. Certainly I take them seriously, I mine those episodes for areas where I can grow and improve but it just seems so different from the lives of my friends.

OK, I can and I do accept that as the hand I have been dealt in life, it is my daily reality. Those are the cards I have to play with every day and I do my best. I just am having a bit of an issue putting that piece of the puzzle together with the rest of my life.

I know from trying to articulate this thought and feeling in the past that it is difficult to fully explain what I mean. I'm not whining nor feeling sorry for myself for thinking and feeling this, I accept it. But I do wonder why I always seem to be the exception to the rule.

I can't just become a Christian and experience the ups and downs the way other people are describing it. No I have to combine it with these sharp, intense and disturbing bouts of the Black Dog (Depression). I guess that is truly the underlying issue that is distressing me lately...

These episodes of Depression, though I am not a stranger to them but they have become, at least in my opinion more prominent, more prolonged and in the end much more severe. It's leading me to consider going back down a road that at this moment I do not want to venture down: Prescription Drug Treatment for Depression.

Been there, done that and frankly I don't EVER want to do it again. Why? Well first I never could find an anti-depressant that I felt physically comfortable taking. The second thing is ego related: doing so, taking Meds for Depression would feel like I'm back sliding and yea, it would feel like DEFEAT.

Again feeding that monster in my head that repeatedly says: You're not normal, you're not good enough, you're a freak, sick, weird, strange...DIFFERENT. There it is...different. I am different...and make no mistake, diufferent is different then unique or "an individual". No those are all POSITIVE labels I revel in, being different has always been translated back to me as "less than".

Less than others, inferior...and even though intellectually I know it isn't true...that does not counter the affect that kind of thinking has on me as a person. Deep, deep crap to be thinking about right out of the gate on a Monday morning...

So I'm back to wondering if I need Meds to help me deal with my Depression...needless to say I do not like the idea at all. BUT...I'm open to it, I suppose if things continue to get flaky. I just don't feel OK with the way things are. I'll continue to post on this subject, it is clearly the "hot" topic for me right now...