OK, OK...I'm getting a little concerned. I have had a touch of the "Black Dog" (My code for Depression or feeling REALLY down over a prolonged period of time) of late and though I figured this morning it had passed after yesterday's rather sudden and severe dose of it I was wrong. That darn doggie doesn't seem to want to go away...
No biggie, right? We all feel down once in awhile. Unfortunately for me, I know better. Feeling this way is an indication that something has gone astray, my spiritual condition isn't functioning on all cylinders, I can feel it. Now to discover what's up, why am I feeling uncomfortable, distant...why do I hurt so inside when there is apparently nothing wrong? Oh boy...i'm not sure that I have the answer to that but it doesn't matter, I can start working on the solution anyway...
What do I mean by that? How can I start working on the solution, with out knowing exactly what's wrong and why? Well, what I do know is how I feel. Fearful, lonely, distant, awkward and I also feel grief. I am grieving...See I may not know exactly why I am feeling these things right now but I have had enough experience with my own emotions to know that the reason doesn't always matter...no matter what the reason, I know part of the solution is NOT to isolate too much. Some time alone is fine, yet cutting out all social activity for me ALWAYS brings negative consequences...always.
I also know that I need to communicate what I do feel, not necessarily to have someone tell me what is wrong but to get the stuff out of me. It is dangerous...I know from experience, for this alcoholic to hold this kind of emotional stuff inside. It becomes toxic in a short period of time and begins to eat away at any peace and serenity I may have had. That can very well kick off a downward spiral that may have serious consequences...better to nip it in the bud before it festers.
today i spent the morning in a recovery oriented seminar called Back To Basics...there were a lot of people there and I even spent a session (there were 4 1 hour sessions plus opening and review) up with the guest speaker doing reading at a microphone. So I was NOT isolating...YET, I felt really alone the whole time I was there. I was starting to feel like an outcast, weird, different...sorta like in the old days. Notice I wrote "sorta"...I did because there was a difference from the old days. I was aware of what was happening to me and I could do some things that would help settle me down and enable me to re-gain some serenity and keep my composure...without having to drink or drug like I did in the past. And I will be very frank: I prayed for guidance and help from my Creator ...asking to do his will and have the power to carry that out in the manner that he desired. Odd? Perhaps but incredibly important for me to do so and the end result was I enjoyed the morning sessions...
Because, as I have already stated, I have experienced these types of feelings before I also had some idea of what might help and perhaps what could be causing me such an emotional let down. It seems like it's never just one thing that is wrong...no, for me it is usually a series of things that have built up and started to drag me down emotionally, psychologically, physically and then eventually it begins to affect me spiritually. That is the major warning sign for me. Experience tells me when my spiritual well being gets turned on it's side, well...then I have issues!
I know today one of those issues is I am not getting enough rest and enough time to myself to re-charge my batteries. This is a re-occurring issue for me and typically the cause is I am over-committed for a schedule or responsibility stand point. Or I have started to take some new responsibilities and have not yet gotten into a good, solid, healthy routine with the new schedule. BINGO! I believe that is what is happening here and honestly I just now started to figure that out as I sat down here to write.
See I tend to make a ton of commitments after I get excited about something. And I have done just that the last few weeks. Then once I get busy, I have blinders on and do not realize that I am beginning to struggle with the new thing UNTIL I start to feel like I have the last day or so. And even though it isn't any fun to get this way, believe me this is much better then the way things went down in the past because I am aware today and can STOP, look at whats happening and try to do something about it.
Hence this post you are reading right now...
I'll attempt to shed more light on this process as I hopefully work through it but now, at least I believe I have an idea of what's bothering me and I'm aware of it. I didn't let it stop me from going to the seminar today and i have made a point to communicate to others (here on THE SHOCK) what's happening to me. So this is a pretty good start. I still feel low but I'm don't feel hopeless...far from it, just a little blue really. And that is where I'll pick up with the next post...
