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Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Vincent Van Gogh

I just cannot seem to get over these really awful feelings of being different, somehow from other people. And yes, the physical act of being raped has a lot to do with that but it isn't like that is the way it manifests itself in me on a daily basis. No I feel damaged...
Vincent Van Gogh

As if that act has wounded me so deeply that my very Soul is bruised. I've referred to it before as Soul Sickness as well and I'm not convinced that both description are true, the same thing really but different.

There is a feeling in me that I have been physically damaged by what has happened to me. Then on the other hand OR in addition to, I feel psychologically damaged almost to the point of mental illness. Hence my introduction of the word "sickness" to describe how it feels. Perhaps illness is more accurate but Soul Illness doesn't have the same
rhythmic lilt to it when spoken or read...

So I almost always feel separate from other people, as if that event from my past created an actual dividing line or wall between us. It even creates distance between those I conxsider my closest friends and I don't know how to talk to them about it without hurting people or having them think I'm crazy...I know they want to try and understand. The truth is...they don't get it and what's more they never, EVER will. So what's the point, then eh?

Tonight I was asked by several people if I was OK...I was pretty quiet, even for me and I'm naturally very intense anyway, that almost always will get taken by people as meaning there is something wrong. I never really know how to answer that question...yes and no just doesn't cut it then you have to try and explain it to folks who really would rather not hear about it anyway. This process just adds to my feelings of being different since people don't get where I'm coming for and I don' really get where they are coming from.

So I still feel like a freak, even though I truly have more contact with people, have more in common with them then I ever did before and I enjoy (for the most part) what I'm doing. So I'd call it a pretty good life yet it often leaves me feeling unsettled, as I do now and wondering. Wondering what's Next for me and my life. What's out there around the corner...honestly I did expect to feel closer to my fellows by now but it just didn't happen so I have to move on.

We'll see, in the mean time it is important to stay engaged, I cannot afford to detach anymore. Bad things happen to me when I do and I do not want to repeat the past....