CRACKED 2007 By Fred Hatt
Sometimes it is really difficult to sit here and honestly put into words what I am feeling at the moment. It can be frustrating doing a blog like this because I'm human and I want everything to turn out good...you know, positive. I want all the posts about recovery or healing to be growth oriented and tell the story about how things are so much better. A good deal of the time that is the way it is too. Not tonight...
Tonight I really feel down and it's hard to explain why. Things are seemingly going really well in my life. There is so much positive activity and energy...yet, I don't know I feel like a fraud. Not sure why either. I really feel pain tonight, physical pain and emotional pain...First and foremost I have spent a lot of time this evening in prayer and meditation and I cannot concentrate or settle down. My mind starts to race yet all I can feel is lethargy: No Energy, NONE!
I've tried all the usual activities I do when I feel out of sorts: talking to others, share, do't hold stuff in, eat well, exercise and so on and I feel like my heart has bee ripped out and I don't want to continue doing this stuff anymore.
Black Dog? Yes, no doubt about it, what I'm experiencing is some form of Depression but WHY? That is the part of all this that I just cannot understand and it is why deep down, no matter how hard I try I will always feel DIFFERENT. Like I am some sort of freak and can't relate to things the way they are even though by all accounts they are good.
One of the reasons I write this damn blog is to capture moments like these...so maybe, just maybe someone out there who feels some of these very same things might read it and realize they are NOT alone. As long as I have been in recovery and as long as I've been treated for PTSD, I still don't have an explanation for these episodes...they just happen. And for no apparent reason, when my entire life by all basic measurements is going very, very well, I will feel like I don't want to carry on. I just cannot begin to explain how empty one feels inside, hollow....yea, hollow is a pretty good beginning of a description.
I know that we all have moments...my problem is that I have serious doubts that other peoples "moments" are anything like THIS. How is one NOT supposed to feel like a freaking nut? How can I NOT feel alienated and alone. I don't want to see anyone...or talk to anybody, I don't want to leave the house.
This doesn't feel like recovery should be...is it? I know that struggle is part of life....yet times like the present do cause concern...though I've had these moments before and they typically pass rather quickly that doesn't make this experience any less terrifying then it is...and it IS frightening to have been at this for almost 5 freaking years and have a night like tonight where I feel fake, where I feel empty, afraid...where I turn to my Creator and I can't imagine him there.
A moment of doubt perhaps? Is that what this is? Whew I can't believe that...it feels much too powerful for a simple change in circumstance.
Well I wasn't going to do this...document how I feel right now...basically, because I didn't want to feel like an outcast again, so much different then everybody else. It is like I'm too uncertain now to live a productive life...I suppose I just feel a bit embarrassed to struggle tonight with what I consider to be small little, insignificant problems. I just feel as if I shouldn't EVER have to worry about this kind of CRAP yet here I am once again, The King Of Pain...ACH, I am so tired of this...I'm feeling Hollow.