Today much like most of my days lately doesn't start off with me feeling low. Nope..I am feeling reflective and thoughtful this morning so far. A friend of mine was talking about how he liked Psalm 39 yesterday so I looked it up this morning and read through it. I think it was a good read for me. I am still at an awkward place when it comes to reading the bible. I don't always understand stuff, particularly from the Old Testament, the Psalms and Proverbs.I couldn't just sit and read through the whole bible so I am doing an online thing where it takes you through it in a year. Usually a Chapter or two from the Old testament, then the same from the New Testament then a Psalm and a Proverb. It has worked for me.
But this Psalm 139 really made sense to me so it was a positive experience "In The Word" this morning. When I am having difficulty in my world (life) I generally try and meditate when things are off kilter. Just to find the Center, some balance as it were. Reading that Psalm today effectively did that for me...a lesson I should remember, eh? Yea, I think so!
Yesterday started much like today, as a matter of fact all was well until late in the evening when I chatted up a friend and I took an emotional nose-dive. It was not him or anything he said, I just went south inside...and I was alarmed by the things I was thinking and feeling. I do not like re-visiting those tough times in my head like in the past where my thoughts are really running amuck and I start to act unpredictably and begin thinking about scary stuff like life no longer really matters and things will never change.
That was definately the road I started to go down yesterday when I wrote that post. It was time to get fed up and do something so I wrote about it. It is hard at times to always know what the right thing to do is. I feel strange physically, I'm starting to think dark thoughts about not needing any one and that perhaps I really am at fault, that I'm evil at heart and I need to go away.
I did not go through all the horrific sh*t in my life getting clean & sober, dealing with my sexual assault, etc. to have a life where I felt afraid and miserable. So I posted my thoughts and feeling here and it had the desired affect of stopping the roaring freight train of chaos going on between my ears....things just STOPPED. Which was really, really good because I needed things to stop. I needed to breathe as my good blog friend Basinah at The Crow's Song always reminds me...Breathe Thom...Breathe. Good advice...i needed to breathe.
I also got some good advice and thoughtful commentary from a couple of other readers as well...Thank You, so very much. That is why I post here on the SHOCK...it has become a handy tool in my daily life in addition to being necessary AND enjoyable at various times.So writing works for me these days in so many ways. A couple years ago i did virtually NO writing at all...today, I can't imagine that at all. I don't know what I'd do with myself but I know in my heart it wouldn't be as effective, that's for darn sure.
So I'll wrap on that note this morning. Time for lunch, a snooze (yea, still averaging about 2 hrs of interrupted sleep each night)and then some exercise before a study group thing tonight at 6p.