I think I have often felt an "automatic" feeling or reaction of alienation or "separateness" that I have felt has set me apart from others. But then I'm not so sure because who openly admits they feel weird or different or can't relate to their fellow human beings...
I don't know if this is just a natural sense of independence and I'm over thinking it perhaps or truly a case where I am a bit different. And if that is indeed the case, then TODAY I'm OK with that. I was NOT OK with it in the past because of those super strong feelings of alienation.
A case in point is this question itself...who asks themselves if they are different from their peers? Does anyone other them MOI even think about such stuff? I don't really know the answer to that...
The pondering goes to another level as well. Not only do I think intensely about such things but I FEEL them as well. Now I know that i do have a tendancy to feel things rather strongly and openly share them as well. That is partially just the way I am (Feeling things intensely) and partially a learned behavior (Sharing them, like here on The SHOCK).
In other words I can remember from my very earliest memories feeling things so deeply yet until recently I tended to hold those feelings quite close. When they would come out into the open it was usually an accident. They would seep out gradually or would explode in anger. I used drinking to help subdue my feelings and keep them inside.
Since I have experienced extensive therapy for alcohol and drug addiction as well as trauma therapy & counseling for sexual assault I have learned to share those feelings with purpose. It wasn't easy to learn how to do this and there have been some awkward times because of it.
I've blurted things out that I shouldn't have and made others uncomfortable then felt terrible about it. My reaction to episodes like that is to stop sharing which is not a good thing...
I think that is why this blog has been such a positive thing for me. It has given me that forum in which to share, vent, explain, confess, discuss....whatever. And for ME, this has really been a positive though I would not recommend going live on the Internet unless you're really comfortable with where you're at
and certain that you can deal with comments, commentary and suggestions that come with the territory.
I think today, though I do ponder the question of whether I am indeed just expressing my individualism or whether I am a totally different breed of cat (sorry ZOE!), that it isn't really that important to really know the answer. I think that has come with my acceptance of myself and that no matter what, I'm OK and it doesn't really matter in the end if I'm truly "different" or not. Hmmm, perhaps we'll see what some other folks my think about that...
