Sometimes I really do have to just take a step back and laugh at how things in life tend to happen sometimes. After some thought it seems at one moment that all of this self evaluation I do leads me to believe that I am making admirable progress in my recovery (life). On the other hand the SAME self-evaluation, etc. can also lead me to believe that my life (recovery) is one, big complicated, irrevocable MESS.
It all depends on the day, time, etc. that I'm doing the evaluating. And I do find this humorous, in fact it would be down-right hilarious if in fact my conflicting conclusions didn't mess with my freaking head so much!!
That is so typical of my life...really it is probably just typically representative of life itself...nothing is ever just plain cut and dry. Predictably, I would prefer black and white conclusions yet in my life all I ever come up with are shades of grey...there are NO absolutes what-so-ever.
So that is how I started my day, late last night I was feeling pretty good about how things are progressing. There are challenges but I feel a bit more together emotionally as I work through them. Then I get going this morning and those very same conclusions, the exact same situation looks like the emotional version of climbing Mt Everest and K-2, one right after the other without supplemental oxygen.....simply impossible!
Could it be just a morning thing? Like I just woke up and things look less desirable until I get some coffee and get going? Not likely since I've been awake since 3:15a (over 3.5 hrs) and morning is truly my favorite time of day. If I ever experience time of day negative mood swings they typically occur for me in the late afternoon...but hey, anything is possible!
Again I think it's somewhat laughable that I can feel two completely opposite things basically at the same time yet that is how I have always reacted to stuff, particularly change. So I suppose I smile, accept that I CAN feel conflicted and that it probably is not a big deal at all...so I'll just roll with it for now.
So that is what I'll do....and perhaps we can chat about it later as well....good bye!