This post more then likely won't make sense to most of the people who may try and read it simply because it will be hard to relate to this situation unless you've been there. So if your a practicing or recovering junkie/alcoholic, you'll "get" what I'm going to say, at least you probably will.
The last two days I have really been ill...almost flu-like symptoms, getting up vomiting in the early part of the day followed by nausea and low grade fever. I just feel lousy but not lousy enough to skip doing stuff around the house and outside (yard work) or going to church this morning. But even though I was getting on with my life I really felt and still feel poorly. What I find ironic about this and what other alkies should be able to relate to is this:
The way I feel right now, feverish, sick, nauseous, weak, chilled..etc. WAS my "normal" back during my drinking and drugging days. I'm not kidding, I felt like total crap every single day...as a matter of fact a day like today would have been a GREAT day. Funny but I can hardly stand it right now! I've either gotten soft and wimpy or I am just use to being and feeling healthy theses days.
And the difference is profound...it just goes to show how resilient we humans can be and how we can and will compensate for anything. And adapt to our circumstance...of course the crazy thing about addiction (one of the many crazy things) is that I new darn well I felt lousy. And I knew why I felt that way, I was an addict and a drunk, that's why. And I definately hated feeling crappy all the time but not once did I ever think about quitting so I would feel better...not one single time that I can recall.
But I would go to great lengths (and expense) buying tons of V-8, Sports Drinks like Gator Ade and even going so far as buying big bottles of Pedialyte Oral Hydration for infants to hydrate and help with hang-overs. That's the stuff Pediatricians recommend for babies who vomit a lot and get de-hydrated. I would suck tons of that syrupy grape flavored crap down on many mornings to try and get myself right to work or just to drink again. I was a very sick man....
So today, feeling sick like I do really gets me down because I want to feel better...like I normally do. It's a beautiful day and I'm stuck inside with a fever but I do feel quite grateful that I now have a life I usually enjoy living.
I haven't a clue if I just picked up a little bug or if this might possibly be another side-affect of the Testosterone shots I'm getting (My guess would be it's the shots)but I suppose I can deal with it today knowing it's just a little bump in the road, a day or two of feeling low, then it will get better. I just thank God that I no longer have to feel this way all the time...there was a time, not too many moons ago when this WAS the norm. I shudder when I think that some people are still living that nightmare every single day of their lives....