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Friday, June 17, 2011

I Was A Bottom Feeder

Me...soft?! A softer side? Perhaps, though I am not convinced....and rounded off rough edges? Yea, I'd say so sure...when a guy like me makes a choice to live a life, free of drugs and alcohol....My life became more focused on helping others...and it is in a lot of ways a quieter, more refined, less chaotic kind of life.

But do I now feel soft, less tuned in to stuff? No not really at all. If anything is soft (other then my gut) I would admit to being a bit of a softie say when "The GRANDS" (my 2 grandson's mason and Maddox) are around, no doubt. I would also say I have softened my view toward others and the lives they lead. I just feel a sense of compassion toward people now. I have felt so much hurt myself, that I feel great empathy with those that are suffering, who hurt.

I have lost everything of value that I once owned. Houses, vacation property/acreage, job, car, relationships, investments, a marriage...I literally lost a fortune without blinking an eye. At the same time I had lost all hope and desire to live...I was scrapping the bottom of the barrel.

That is where I began this journey back to life...I was starting from scratch.

It's funny that even though I had nothing left of monetary value, I felt rich somehow. I had some self-respect. i had purpose to my life and I had HOPE. I still have those things. Times are still very tight, $$ is scarce but the bills are paid, I have a roof over my head and something to eat.

I am really trying to process what losing everything is supposed to mean. I want to understand it yet I think it will always remain a mystery of sorts. I have faith today, that seems to be just enough. I never thought I would find comfort in being poor but there is a freedom in not being enslaved by possessions. But not having much can affect a person's self-esteem. Our society measure's a person's self worth by their possessions: house, car, jewels, clothes, etc. It can really bother someone who has little or nothing in which to Show. So I try to measure value by more spiritual things in life and not possessions. It's hard for me because I love STUFF.

So I don't really know where this post was going but I started a life in recovery, a brand new way of life with little to nothing. I was a bottom feeder, life beat my a**, that and following my own selfish ways brought me down hard. Yet I think it was because I had nothing that I could stay focused on the important stuff: staying sober, getting better and ultimately finding a relationship with God. And that really has made all the difference...