Tuesday, October 11, 2011
ANGEL OF DEATH
Well day 2 is winding down and it too has been a good one albeit it a bit busier and filled with meeting certain obligations. All stuff that one does with family and old friends but it was worthwhile...I'm satisfied. Except for leaving Kim though...I'm more then ready to head for home.
I really thought that my post from this morning would stir up a slew of comments, especially concerning the title but I haven't seen one single comment...I'm not sure how to take that though. Do people not care...I mean I had a lot of hits today so it was getting read, over a 100 hits on that post alone so I'm not sure what to think.
But that notion of infidelity meaning something other then having an affair really resonated with me...and I didn't WANT IT TO! HELL NO I Didn't!! I would have rather just made excuses and let it go on the way that it had...just accept that we were going our septate ways and she changed her mind. And like I mentioned I could and HAVE garnered a bit of sympathy over the fact that I was in trouble with my alcoholism and SHE BAILED when I needed her most. I could have made her seem selfish and cold hearted...I WANTED her to appear that way yet ultimately it wasn't the truth and I never could really make myself hang her out to dry...even in the confines of my own mind or in my circle of family or close friends.
I had learned, over and over that if you are really trying to change your life...you CANNOT run from the truth. I couldn't settle for another lie...even if once again I was taking more HEAT and battering my already thrashed self-esteem probably to the very edge of death...But this was the truth: I was NEVER faithful to Marcia. She NEVER had ALL OF ME...because I couldn't give her what I'd already given away to another...my mistress, my tormentor, my savoir, my sin....my first and ONLY love, DRINK. That BITCH...simply devoured all of me...inside and out...a DAILY VIOLATION of my dignity...she had me, held me, mocked me and molded me and then when I believed with my very Soul that she would NEVER, EVER betray me or let me down...she tortured me to the very edge of sanity...where I was begging for someone, anyone to kill me. There were no takers....so I tried and...FAILED.
So I survived and learned the truth but there are times my disease still wants to mold me...I cannot give in to the Lie. Marcia didn't betray our wedding vows....NOPE, I did. And I started my betrayal on our wedding night and every single day of our marriage after that until she ultimately saved herself...and left me to my own devices. Then and only then did the veil come off the bitch reveal an ANGEL all right...The ANGEL actually, The ANGEL OF DEATH.