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Monday, October 24, 2011

Redemption: My Very Own Half Mile Sewer Pipe of Sh*t

It's been half a day or so since I publicly forgave the trio of men that perpetuated a terrible, violent crime against me when I was a kid. They violently attacked and sexually assaulted me, beating me up pretty badly and leaving me literally scarred for life with many hidden wounds and a raging case of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It is only in recent years that I have begun to heal at all from this monstrous crime and it's hideous memories.... 

I was totally prepared to write the usual post about how I don't really feel any different but I'm thankful I went through with it, etc. etc. The only problem with doing that though is I wouldn't be telling you the truth. I really do FEEL different as I sit here this afternoon. My whole world changed this morning and I'll never be the same...

I no longer carry the minute to minute torment of what happened that day around with me like a weighted chain around my neck. Those 3 guys no longer live rent-free in my head, constantly reminding me by their presence there how horrible that whole thing was and that I would never be able to live life without thinking about it constantly...and without thinking, dreaming and feeling things about THEM.

But now...I have been's simple really, I was released from the hell I've carried around with me for 36 years. still happened and yes I remember it...all of it. But I no longer entertain those three men daily in the private confines of my inner brain...I have been carrying THEM around with me for years too, in the form of HATE, Anger, Resentment and RAGE. And that combined emotional stress & strain has been eating away at my peace and serenity...and yes my sanity ever since...

The act of forgiving them and in turn letting go of the anger, the rage, resentment, fear...etc. is the real act of healing here. Letting it go is what made the true, tangible difference for me...and frankly, I had no idea how obsessed I was with those people and what happened to me then. 

Holding on to that memory and what they did that day was with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week was SICK and that very same memory controlled most everything I thought and felt. I had no conception how sick I really was until today when I shoveled that sh*t out of my life once and for all. Now I'm simply stunned at the possibilities that await, much like Andy Dufresne,the lead character from the movie Shawshank Redemption ,I emerged from my own half mile sewer pipe of emotional and psychological shit: a totally FREE man.

That whole situation had changed in one shining instant of redemption, through forgiveness  and all in one morning's time...and now I have my own memories back, really I have my own life back again. And truly in it's own way, I am starting certain aspects of my life over again. What a wonderful opportunity after so many years of hiding in the darkness of the evil that had been laid on me at such a young age. I still tremble when I think of that innocent boy who left home that day and the fearfully damaged individual that returned in his place...

36 years later that lost little boy finally has found his way home. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm crying as I type, my hands shaking so badly that there is no way I could write this with a pen or pencil. Honestly readers...I never expected this to happen...I never thought I would EVER be free from that torment...even for a few moments.


  1. Oh Daddy, you are so very very brave! Once again you have lifted a vail on a scary hurtful raw time in your life. I personally chose not to read the details. I just don't think it would have been beneficial to me especially considering my own experience. I am so so so proud of you! I love you!

  2. Thank you Chels...ultimately we fight through the crap so we can be with those who love us, and you certainly one who always loved me...even when I wasn't being a very good father.

    It's weird, when you are going thorough this stuff, it looks totally impossible to overcome. But when you start to grow and heal and recover you wonder how this could be so freaking HARD!? Well what did I suspect, eh?!

    Chelsea I very much love and appreciate YOU...I always have....yea, even when I was less then capable of showing it. God Bless you sweetheart...Dad

  3. Good for you! I know how hard it can be to let go, but ultimately it's a gift to yourself. Life is hard enough in the day to day, without carrying the burden placed upon you by the cruel actions of others. No doubt getting to this point has been a process I applaud you for for having the guts to get there.