Once up on a time MDR (My Dear Reader), I thought I could hold someone so close...that I could pull them deep inside of me...melting as it were, two into one. The fragrance of desire, it 'tis...sun-tanned skin smell plus her own aroma of sweet, summer sweat...the lingering whiff of love and a now mostly forgotten romp in the sacred sand spot just out of view...
I mostly just feel sad and confused these days when I get to thinking about love
and romance...and yes, sex. My body tells me I'm capable...willing even but fearful. My heart is what I worry about...I never trusted anyone or anything...good...no, I never did. I wouldn't know how or where to begin that process then my mind just wanders away.
Lack of interest? Ahh, no...no way. Lack of focus? Perhaps, but I don't really see that as an issue. Fear would be my guess...I fear the intimacy and what it may reveal. I have often wondered if I am the living embodiment of "what could have been" Therefore I never will know the TRUTH of what actually IS.
Yikes...It seems as if I am really getting my head twisted around some complex possibilities and/or unpleasant realities...and at this hour of the day too! It figures that of all the time there is available in a day or week or year....I pick 4:30a on a Sunday morning in October to try and figure out My TRUTH concerning, sex, love and relationships. The notion would be totally hilarious, actually if I wasn't sitting here at this very moment trying to figure this crap out. Why do I do the things I do...I imagine that is an answer I am never going to find out.
So what do I do with all of this stuff...these thoughts, feelings and questions? Well I have no choice but to continue on pursing the TRUTH...inaction is not an option at this point. I cannot hide any longer from myself. So we'll keep moving forward down this shadowy trail through the darkened woods at twilight, hoping for a sign.
So MDR...what that means for you are even more posts about sex, love and relationships...I figure I'll keep throwing sh*t against the wall and seeing if something will stick. Yea...the pasta checking technique hi-jacked for personal, emotional use...who knew, eh?!
(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)
All I can say is that love and relationships happen to be the focus of my own blog and something I think about often, whether in terms of my own situation or other people's. I'm obviously not an expert since I keep screwing up on my way to personal clarity, but what I can share is to never do anything you do not feel ready for. Your last few years of sobriety have been a new chance at life (I hope I'm not taking any liberties here but that's what I gather from your posts), and at personal freedom as you might have not known before. Take your time, therefore, with this wonderfully important aspect of all of our lives, and make sure to enjoy every tiny step of it with your beautiful partner.
ReplyDeleteC-You're fine...not taking any liberties at all, I appreciate the insight. I love your expression "screwing up on my way to personal clarity". How about that, in my own unique way...ME TOO! When I was younger I thought I was "screwing" my way to personal clarity...ah...that wasn't working either!.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with you here. Up until recently avoiding sexual activity was much easier: I was too physically ill, psychologically screwed up, focus on recovery. Now that I have settled down some, things are going well and there is more stability I am feeling things I frankly haven't felt before. The passion and feelings are incredibly intense as you might imagine.
So I am a bit leery of rushing into anything so I do plan on just taking it slow for now though it's getting more difficult by the day to do so....but patience has worked well so far...I plan on just taking it a day at a time.
Thanks for your comments...feel free to share whatever is on your mind...I find your insight very timely and quite helpful.