Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Yeesh, Lighten Up Already!
Well...I asked for some feedback and I got some all right. I was a bit surprised by the tone of it and that made me feel kind of good. Why? I still am not used to anyone taking MY SIDE or defending me. Only Kim and my parents every really did all the time and a few others some of the time. But mostly I just feel permanently on the defensive...a leftover from my drinking and LYING past.
I spoke to a friend who really emphasized the line of thinking that I was beating myself up over it and he is in recovery and typically not someone who takes this kind of stuff lightly. I really thought he would agree...I mean he did see my point. And he agreed that I correctly identified the fact that if I am to be honest, I never put my X-Wife first in our marriage. That booze was undoubtedly my first and only love. I also believe he was concerned that I was saying I could NEVER be faithful because the potential is always there...but I do NOT feel that way at all.
I am doing this to clear the way for a healthier, more faithful ME....and now I think it's understood. Kimmi also feels that I am being too hard on myself but what can I say, she loves me and defends me...and I love her for her loyalty. But as The BAND sang in their song "Up On Cripple Creek": Kim is a "drunkards dream if I ever did see one....and she IS!~ And I mean that in the best possible way...she was and IS a caretaker..a fixer...an unconditional LOVER...and that is a rare and amazing asset. Sure those things can be as negative a thing as they are a positive thing if taken to extremes or manipulated by a cunning, lying drunk like myself (but I basically haven't really done that to her). But remember my perspective: If it wasn't for her, I'd be dead. Her care-taking saved my life at least ONCE that we know of and probably more then once if we could remember that period of time better!
I believe I understand what's really up here. i do think my behavior was equal to infidelity. I don't think I have a leg to stand on thinking like I used to...that I KEPT my vow and SHE broke hers by leaving. I really wasn't ever "all there" for her and that is a fact. But I also now realize that is the kind of behavior that I apologized to her for 2 years ago. And I now am convinced she certainly knew I wasn't fully committed to her, how could she not...she was ALWAYS competing w/booze for my affection and attention. She wasn't and isn't stupid...naive, a bit perhaps but not about THIS. She had already dated an alcoholic so she knew...
I think now this has been a healthy realization for me...one I needed to identify and accept. I was not as "innocent" in the actual divorce aspect of our relationship as I WANTED to BELIEVE. No the truth has proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt. So I still must see where this acknowledgement and acceptance leads me...I may be at the end of this little jaunt of discovery or I may "have miles to go before I sleep" as Robert Frost so eloquently pointed out in: "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening".
It is odd but self-reflection, particularly HARD, deep, digging self-reflection used to really hurt and bring much confusion, guilt, anger...you name it if it is a negative emotion. Now...it brings peace almost. Even though the discovery I made yesterday was not a pleasant one...I realize now it is a very good thing and I am thankful. I am also amused that reading another persons BLOG actually prompted this search for truth this time around. Ahh, we find our answers to life's hard questions in the most unusual of places, eh? And so I have this time around as well....CHEERS!