What is being real? What is TRUTH? How do I know I'm being honest when frankly I am ultimately the final judge/jury when determining those things in my own daily life? These are questions...along with some others that have weighed rather forcefully on my mind, especially in the last couple of years.
Honesty is a tricky one...it can be a difficult concept because it seems impossible to be completely honest, about everything. It also seems like a bad idea...do you really tell everyone you see that they look awful if that is what you believe. Is withholding your opinion being dishonest? It can be a difficult determination...So this honesty thing can be a slippery slope.
What really mattered to me in the early days of recovery was that I was being honest and realistic about what had happened to me and where I was currently at in my life. For years I had been in spiritual, emotional and psychological trouble but I'd convinced myself that everything was fine. I was NOT being honest with myself and in turn with others. I was living out a lie...
I realize when I say that I was a liar...that I lived a lie, that my life was a lie that these statements make some people extremely uncomfortable. It isn't something we talk about really at all. But often we all are dishonest with ourselves.
I make these statements as forcefully as I do because I believe that the entire key to recovery is surrender: admitting that I am beaten by my disease, that alone I cannot overcome it. I need help. Divine help, the help of others...these are nearly impossible things for most alcoholics to admit.With out complete and TOTAL honesty...surrender is impossible.
I NEVER could accept that I could not overcome my drinking problem on my own. Well that was false pride, I was living in a dream world because all evidence was screaming otherwise, that I could NOT do this alone....It was a level of arrogance really, that very nearly killed me before I could see the truth.It took a major, life changing event in my life to finally get me to be realistic: I tried to commit suicide, failed and all that was left of me was a shell of a human being. I was completely and totally beaten by my own selfishness, I was HOPELESS. I had tried every way possible that I knew to overcome my problems and failed.
It was only at that point then that was I able to be completely honest with myself about where I stood in life and by being honest I was then in a position to possibly change. There were NO guarantees that I could succeed but at least I now had a true willingness to try.
Without willingness, hope, desire and even the slightest belief that I can maybe change, I would have been DOOMED to a lifetime of alcoholic misery. But with those things at least there was a chance. But as I look back now...I didn't really believe in my heart that I could really quit but I figured that I didn't really have anything to lose. And I was right about that...
So with honesty, I had a chance...there was a sliver of hope that perhaps I could find recovery and my life could be better. So where do I go from here? For the first time in my adult life I truly KNEW I was a hopeless alcoholic/addict...but what could I do about it. As I mentioned, deep down I could not see how it was possible to change. What could I possibly do, how could I get off this merry-go-round of hopelessness and despair?
I'll examine those questions in a future post...
