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Saturday, October 8, 2011

I'm Just Waiting On A Friend

The BEAST is beginning to stir, an early morning roar from within shook me to my core and once again I approach a fiery red and glowing, yet closed door knowing that behind it lies TRUTH. Yet I know that TRUTH itself has repercussions, indeed it can really hurt and often one can get burned. And once the door has been opened, experience has shown me that you can NEVER...EVER go back.

I was going to rattle on about having a tough decision to make...should I proceed with this subject, it could be a real heart-breaker? but the reality is there is no decision to be made, it was made already for me. I have NO choice...I must proceed and so I will. 

When marriages, love affairs, relationships  end...well it's emotional chaos. And so it was with me when my marriage of nearly 15 years came to an end in early 2005. Not only that but my entire life was unravelling due in no small part to my raging alcoholism/drug addiction and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the aftermath of being raped as a child. 

Readers here at shell Shock know most of the alcoholism and rape stories....they no very little about the divorce or it's incredible impact on me and my whole notion of what marriage and relationships truly mean.

Let's face it, when you have that much CRAP going on in your life that is wrong and ALL of it really needs some kind of attention to has to perform a sort of TRIAGE to select the most desperate issue first to work on, then the second, then the third and so on and on.

Dealing with the divorce was pretty low on the priority list when competing with suicide attempts  active addictions and active PTSD.But now, it seems is the time...and since I am not in active therapy at the moment I suspect a good deal of this issue will get discussed here on THE SHOCK.

So I am indeed going to approach the subject of my divorce and it's affect on me. So I will honestly say that this subject frightens me, it really does. In many ways the emotions associated with it are RAW, much like live wires running every which way.

So be warned...posts on this subject are sure to follow at some point in the near future. But tonight as I close I will leave you with a song of HOPE from those trouble times, one that in it's own way helped some I suppose. For some odd reason I smile whenever this tune comes up on the radio...Ladies and Gents: The Rolling Stones....