Thursday, October 27, 2011
The Liar Laughs At No One (Except Himself)
I am glad to be around, alive and kicking today...And that truly is a change in the way I typically feel. Even though there are a lot of commitments to keep these days...with the activities that I am involved in growing and developing, not diminishing or fading away...the funny thing is that fact actually energizes an otherwise weary me.
I am fortunate that my life's work today, helping others in a multitude of ways is truly a life's passion. You know...people who have known me a long time or folks who struggle with the notion of GOD will ask...almost demand to know how I am so certain that there is indeed a God. And that is the Million Dollar question but for me the answer came easy: If anyone can remember how I used to be, selfish, ME centered, focused only on my own pleasure & my comfort often at other people's expense and compare that to this person I am today...Only a DIVINE being could turn THAT wretched excuse for a human being that was me into the kind of person I am today.
I take absolutely NO credit, none....for anything that I am or that I do today. How could I, I resisted change to the point that I chose suicide over God, but he wouldn't accept that...And It goes against my very nature to put other people ahead of myself. I can't really explain a lot of the differences...and sometimes when I try, I get ashamed for who I once was. I was not outwardly a "bad" person, even when I drank...people who knew me probably wouldn't say that I was Bad, cruel or selfishly evil...but deep down in my heart, I knew that I was. I know my true nature...I was the master of the lie, at manipulating the truth to my advantage and when I am faced with an example of that previous reality, I feel shameful for who and what I was...which leads me once again to the subject of forgiveness.
I still struggle to forgive myself. I know that when I was trapped deep in the throes of my addiction I wasn't ME...I couldn't be. I was more animal then human because addiction will reduce even the most cheerful, selfless, happy person to their most base level of existence...sheer survival mode. When all one is focused on is surviving well, it's crude and ugly, because their world view narrows, often times blocking out even the SUN. In an addict's mind survival is EVERYTHING...the only thing. And survival = using drugs because not using drugs = excruciating pain, mental anguish and emotional torment.
It is actually upsetting my emotional balance at this very moment simply writing about THAT way of life and living...it truly is foreign to me today...and I do sincerely hope it will always stay that way from this point forward. I do NOT EVER want to forget the pain, the heartache, the loneliness and fear that accompanied EVERY single moment of my day...especially in the last days of my active addiction. And it was not just reserved to the "waking" moments of my life...No, my nights were chock-full of trouble, tyranny and torment....people long dead came back to mock me, taunt me and to remind me of my failure as a human being. Exposing to my sub-conscious truly, what a POSER and a LIAR that I was.
I remember thinking that when I was in public, people could take one look at me and know instantly I was a FAKE...a poser. I just knew they knew the TRUTH about me...that they could sense the "dirty-ness" I mentioned in an earlier post. They could see straight through the masquerade and know that I was merely a PRETENDER...the KING of NOTHING, the EARL Of HEARTACHE...The Emperor of LIES...that was me. I had to manufacture elaborate fairy tales to justify my own existence...yet nobody really bothered with me...which shouldn't have been surprising since they couldn't have cared less about me, my stories or my life. I was lost...there was nothing in it for them...to find me.
So when I gaze at this man I never knew...who now looks back at me from the mirror, I marvel at the majesty of our CREATOR...who could and did save a wretched excuse of a human being like me? BUT why would he want to? I don't have that answer and perhaps...er actually, now that I think about it...I 'm sure that I never will know the answer to that question. The fact is that I am here today and I appreciate that with all of my heart. I really don't know why I survived but what I do know is that I did manage to live and he has a REASON for it, HE wanted me here and that simple fact is more then good enough for me.
(Painting by Claude Monet)