Wednesday, October 5, 2011
At The Crack of WAY Before Dawn
3:28am...Yep, that is correct 3:28am...as in impossibly early in the morning. Before the fisherman and earliest of deer hunters are up preparing to climb into their tree-stands. And the oddest aspect of this today? I have been up and active doing laundry, preparing "Brain Quest" Trivia Game Questions for one of the volunteer things I do for an hour and a half already. Oh and even odder...I don't really mind any of this. I'm not kidding, it doesn't really bother me a bit...
I won't lie, I am surprised somewhat that it doesn't bother me though I think I know why it doesn't. It is because I don't care. I don't care that I am awake...I don't care that no matter what I do I haven't been able to sleep. Naw...I just am not concerned about it because I've learned that I will sleep when I can sleep.
Granted...today I have a schedule where I can do that...most everything on my schedule with the exception of Monday and Wednesday nights is skewed toward the earlier morning hours leaving early afternoon as a time for a light lunch (typically fruit, veggies and a small sandwich) then a siesta (a nap or time to stretch out for a while). The routine works wonders and I am as productive as I can possibly be.
When I was working, raising a family with a home, responsibilities...etc. I could not do this and the pressure of not sleeping (the last 6 years of my career at HMI I worked in 3rd shift Management) absolutely destroyed what little bit of sanity I had left. It was an impossibly difficult time in my life and my home life was falling apart as well.
It was also one of the few situations from that time of my life and my marriage where I have some legitimate hard feelings about the level of support (or lack of support I should say) I received. I almost felt that I was intentionality allowed to flounder and fail to facilitate an easier escape from the situation by my X. I've let go any such feels these days but it still is a tough time for me to consider because of the hurt.
It was a nightmare, a super high speed merry-go-round that I could NEVER get off of....The perfect analogy for my life at that time. My palms are literally sweating right now 7 years after the fact just THINKING about it. It is just an awful memory...of an awful time of my life. It was the time that I really began to feel that I was somehow LESS then human by the treatment I was receiving from the people I trusted the most. I knew that I had major issues, I knew I was struggling but I felt ignored and the strong feelings of betrayal I had still linger to this day...
What I didn't know at the time...couldn't possibly know... is that she had already begun to detach, severing any emotional ties to me. All the truly remained tying her to me was her guilt...I believe she genuinely felt sorry for me. But that certainly is not a positive reason for continuing to maintain contact with a person. I believe she had to protect herself from any more emotional damage. Remember how I have been saying in posts the last couple of days that Alcoholic/Addicts are DESTROYERS of relationships...this was exhibit #1: My Marriage to M.
And though I harboured deep anger and resentment toward her for several years...today I understand and accept that is the best she could do at the time. Though it is hard to truly accept that sometimes....I do and I genuinely wish her the very best.
So today, I have an ability to accept my circumstance, just the way it is. And that makes a huge difference as I am able to go on living a productive and enjoyable life. I just don't feel the pressure (Read: STRESS!) I once did about this type of imposition to my schedule and/or my lifestyle. I've actually learned to...roll with with the punches a bit and what can I say except that it is nothing short of miraculous...and I really enjoy it.
It (the schedule) provides me with all sorts of hidden benefits that I never would have been open minded enough to see before. I have all sorts of time to prepare for my volunteer gigs, to write, to organize/clean and most importantly I have some really good peace and solitude time for prayer and meditation.
And that has proven to be an essential element in maintaining my daily emotional, psychological and spiritual balance. And that balance, as I've mentioned before is absolutely critical in maintaining a healthy and productive life on a day to day basis. Which provides a peace and serenity that I wasn't capable of creating in my life before.
No my creations typically tend to bring with them much stress, chaos and confusion...not to mention the small fact that they never seem to last very long. No the situation at this time here is completely the opposite of that scenario...and I couldn't be more pleased.
So those are my observations, thoughts and feelings...now at 4:07am. I imagine more posts will follow at some point. Now I have a rather big decision to make: go lay back down or put coffee pot on and start the day for REAL!