Thursday, October 13, 2011
Closure Is a Slow-Poke
Often when I discover some new understanding about myself...it takes time for that realization to actually sink in, to latch on and seem and feel REAL. This latest notion that I was not as innocent as I thought I was about keeping my wedding vows has left me with more questions then answers right now...so there is a feeling of uncomfortable melancholy that lingers...I am left feeling rather unbalanced at the moment. That is to be expected...closure rarely comes quickly for me...especially when I REALLY want it to which is like...ALWAYS!
But all that being said...I can already tell that this is a positive step for me and will go a long way in brining that long, sought after sense of closure to that unsettling and unpleasant chapter of my life.
When a person experiences the things I have, there seemed to be a real need on my part to find something...ANYTHING that was a positive about myself during that time. As I've mentioned here several times for me I help tightly to the fact that I hadn't broken my wedding vow...that I didn't choose to leave, she did. And that probably wouldn't have really mattered in the long run except that over time I started to feel smug and act superior about it. THAT my friends IS a problem...so something had to change.
Hence the journey that has led me to this place where it is obvious that if I want to really be honest about it...I NEVER was truly faithful to her. Booze ALWAYS came first and that is not even in question...it was fact. So Now the process of acceptance of that fact is under way. And there are feelings of guilt and remorse involved but in reality bit better about myself. And that worked...for a little while but...it doesn't work now!
I know from past experience that I will be much better for accepting this fact. It is reality and I cannot afford to live in a fantasy land anymore. I must be honest and open about who and what I am. That leads to balance and keeps my lines of communication to the Creator wide open.