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Saturday, October 8, 2011

It's Better When It's BAD? Uh-HuH!

I have come to this rather odd conclusion that my posts here on Triple S (Shell Shock Serenade) are more often better, when the subject is Bad. In other words if I am writing about pain, or a harrowing tale of a suicide attempt...I think the writing is better, more precise, edgy...the story more interesting, it just hurtles along at the speed of CHAOS and it is just plain better then a hum drum tale of how "happy I am and how wonderful things are"!

The saving grace, if this is indeed true is the "happy" post just don't occur that often because it's fairly rare that I'm happy...tee-hee! I guess what I am saying here is from a writing perspective, I am fortunate living has been so gives me more potentially good subject matter to write about!

All kidding aside, I do believe it is true that the intensity and passion tend to combine for really searing posts when I am recalling a painful memory from my past. I have often thought how I could take the same passion, etc and use it in every post but it just doesn't work that way.

Those very same posts are also the one's that get the most hits by far, are the most read and the most popular. The posts with strange or off the wall titles also tend to get a lot of hits.

I have as yet not given in to the temptation to just milk the harrowing post topics at the expense of actually covering my real, every day life this blog is designed to do so I can be popular and FEED this massive EGO of mine! I truly try and print whatever comes up when it comes up...real life in real time of a real person in the real freakin' world! That is Shell Shock Serenade!

One of the dangers of doing what I do here is that when I dig up painful subjects or memories and expose them to the public light here on the SHOCK, I risk hurting other people...even when writing the truth. Why? Because even back when I was isolated and lonely, I truly never lived and functioned in a void, so there were always other people involved and I'm not certain they want to their stories and emotions be exposed here and in this way.

And I agree, it's a tricky situation. At times I can post accurately and get the point across without exposing a person's identity, often I cannot. 

I currently have been reading Chris's blog Chaos and Kairos and she has just been flooring me with heart-wrenching expressions of the pain, confusion and hurt of the disintegration of her marriage. She, unknowingly has tapped the mainline of my own repressed emotion about the loss of my own marriage. Frankly, her writing is kicking my emotional ass...and it NEEDED to be kicked!

The break up of M and I is not something I have dealt with very much, either in counselling, real life or here on the SHOCK. Why? Not entirely sure, some of it is for privacy reasons: I haven't wanted to expose my X to that publicly. I am fairly certain that she does not and has not read this blog, more then likely doesn't even know it exists but many people who know her, including my two children who are still in touch with her do and it's awkward. It's not that I have a bunch of negative stuff but it's very personal and I was really, devastatingly hurt. That hurt also transferred to my feelings about marriage and relationships in general and have taken YEARS to sort out. They STILL are not completely sorted out...

But after reading Chris's posts, I know I have to deal with this somehow because the BEAST has been is stirring deep inside, the internal ROAR this morning at 3a was most deafening in my head and in my heart as I lay in bed, covered in sweat, naked with only my fear and heartache clutched close to my completely afraid to make the next move.

But that is what I KNOW: I have to MOVE, gotta MOVE, write, express...purge...EMOTIONALLY VOMIT (EMO-V)that bastard out because it is no longer acceptable to ignore it. So I obviously have a don't I, my friend...My dear friend...the END. 

Can't help myself...whenever I get even a sliver of a chance to quote Jim Morrison and the DOORS I have to run with it you know!!

Seriously...I have to write about destruction of my is really, truly affecting me right now, this very minute so it is legit subject matter for this blog. I have been avoiding it for years yet now suddenly it seems time to move on it.

We'll have to see how it goes...I have NO desire to stir up hurtful feelings for her or to insult or criticize her. I made my amends several years ago and as far as I know we are in a good place. Yet that act of amends-making didn't close the book on it... not for me anyway, not by a long shot.

I don't have many digital pics from our marriage...most pics are in photo albums that I have in storage and have no inclination to dig out. I do have a handful of photos taken from our last trip to France together, 10 months before we seperated. The picture above is take at Pont Du Huc on the Normandy Coast, we are standing in the sunken doorway of a German Pill Box over looking the English Channel. At the time I thought it was the best vacation we had taken together but in hindsight, she was already gone. Turns out she the "art" classes she was always taking were not art classes. In fact she had been going to a therapist clandestinely for quite some time and already was building her case to leave.

I'm honestly not sure I'll be able to do this...write about this subject because those pics, just glancing at 4 or 5 of them shot a bolt of lightening right through me to my very core. This sh*t really hurts still, so very much...