Another day arrives...this one cooler, wetter and a bit more melancholy. Often, in the past I walked around in various states of heightened anxiety...always waiting for the next "shoe to drop". Today, there is still a sense of "what's next" but it doesn't come with the same ship load of fear that it did in those days now past. More often then not, any "heightened anxiety" I am experiencing is usually something that I have brought on myself...a good recent example would be this latest endeavour to find closure to unsettled feelings from my most recent marriage and divorce. (See this and that and that then this....)
Oh...life can throw in it's various curve balls and liven things up a bit but these days that is usually the expected "life stuff": unexpected bills/$$ pressure, death of a loved one, a family crisis and dealing with those type of situations is just part of life. No longer do I have to deal with the daily drama and crises brought on by my alcoholism/addiction and the crazy, unpredictable behavior that went along with it.
More often then not, it is my continuous search for TRUTH that opens another "can of worms...or whoop ass as it were"! And I am OK with that today...that is what I have to do to maintain the ever precious "balance" I am always seeking and harping about here on the SHOCK. Continuously working pro-actively through potential issues and pitfalls combined with the endless task of reconciling the past is exactly what I NEED to do daily to keep the portal, the all important line of communication open between myself and GOD. That is my lifeline today and my life-saving GRACE.
I'm a bit belligerent today and do not feel my typical urge to justify my Faith and dependence of God...if you don't like it or agree with it, I could care less. You don't have to be me. This is the life I was ALWAYS searching for: one with purpose and for the first time I can recall...I actually like myself. Those changes are way to powerful and important to ignore...But if you, dear reader have a better way, then who is stopping you. Certainly not I...I will always give a person their right to choose...and suffer.
Without that searching and suffering, hitting that Bottom repeatedly...I wouldn't bulimia believe what I believe today so I certainly see the value, if it is necessary in finding out for one's self. The only issue is with people, like myself...well we often do not SURVIVE the period of "finding out for ourselves". So it's a gamble....but gambling with my life is what I did every single day of my active addiction and yes, I was completely aware of that fact, especially during the later part of my active drinking and drugging.
Hurting myself was normal and accepted...I simply did not CARE. So I just went on my merry way...I was either going to dodge the bullet another day or I wasn't...it didn't much matter to me on most days. Such is living life with a so-called "death wish"...
Today though is much different. In many ways I still live a day at a time but only because I know how fragile and fleeting this life can be. There is another life that concerns me much more then this one: Eternal Life. My eyes today are clearly focus upward on that life...So my day to day existence here is now much more focused on service to others. I no longer worry about me...
What a contrast to the selfish, self-centered bastard was before! So my goals are typically directed at making myself a better ME so I then can better serve HIM. That is MY CHOICE, it is the life I have chosen after trying many other ways to live. So the daily ups and downs pale in significance today to the chaos of the past.
So if some issue, like my divorce/marriage for example, is unresolved from yesteryear and needs attention...then I give it the attention it may need to resolve whatever problems it may be causing..then I move on. No crisis, no drama...just face it, acknowledge it, accept it, learn to live with it then move onward and upward. Simple right!
(Photo by Ansel Adams)
