Struggle...a simple word right, eight letters and not that complicated to understand. Dictionary.com defines it as: "To contend with an adversary or opposing force". Well, it seems that my entire life fits this definition. I know...a lot of people would agree and say that is what life IS: Struggle. I don't know...certainly contending with adversity is part of living life...no doubt about it. But my life is most definately DEFINED by struggle and my ability (or inability) to cope with that fact...
Today is my birthday and of course everyone is telling me that this is my day and I should really enjoy it. I'm miserable. I have a lot of great things going on in my life and I am very grateful for those opportunities, they mean a great deal to me. But I am also feeling overwhelmed by money concerns, life concerns, relationship issues...typical life stuff, sure but they weigh heavy on my mind this morning. I feel physically ill because of it...
I'm sure many readers are familiar with the old cliche that life's problems can "weight you down"..well I feel completely flattened by them this morning. Ok...I hear you naysayer..."where is your precious GOD now, Thom?! Why don't you pray some more?How come you feel down, I thought everything had changed?! Isn't your life so much better then it was?". Sure...it has changed and life IS better but let's face facts: life itself is the same as it always was and hey, I'm still human. And I still struggle with my faith each and every day. An important part of dealing with life's troubles is first identifying what they are, admitting that they indeed are an issue THEN working your way through to a solution for them.
So STRUGGLE is the word for me today...how appropriate to be Struggling on my birthday! 49 years ago this morning my struggle BEGAN and now it continues....
I don't want to quit or feel sorry for myself. But I have to come clean and admit that in the most personal area of my life I am currently unhappy. I have more questions then answers...and the questions are the painful life changing type. I do not like the general direction some aspects of my life are headed...I haven't experienced the same growth there that I need to see...and that is hard to accept. Sure this may all pass but it may not so what to do?
I guess I keep pluggin' away...
(Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)
