Thursday, October 20, 2011
Intimacy and Healing
We have covered a wide variety of subject matter since I started blogging and for the most part there has been very little that I have held as"off limits" as far as sharing it here on the blog. And almost always my rational for doing so was to protect someone else's privacy and or personal information. I make a choice, everyday to share my personal information here but I do not feel it is my right to just frivolously post about other peoples thoughts or feelings...I won't do it.
There have been other subjects where for one reason or another I haven't shared as openly as I have about my addiction or being raped as a boy. My last marriage was one of those and even though I started to peel back some of the layers of that "onion" I still was quite careful to respect My X's right to her own personal info and story.
But I do share a great deal about feelings and relationships plus all the stuff that goes along with it. But I have always just avoided the subject of sex...and for a variety of reasons. First and foremost...I hadn't actively had sex in nearly six years. I had some rather distorted views on relationships and sex due to what happened to me as a boy but honestly, for most of my adult life I had a fairly vibrant, active and yea, normal self life. I enjoyed having sex and really felt no desire to go to extremes as some people do when they have a history such as mine. There were times in my life that I did struggle to some extant with intimacy but I don't think it was anything too out of the ordinary.
Basically for most of the time I have been sober, I haven't been in any relationships, therefore I wasn't having sex. Even when I was a practising addict I was a monogamous and faithful partner. I never cheated on a spouse or girlfriend in my entire life. I am not trying to pat myself on the back...that is just the way I always was.
There was a brief relationship, shortly after I got sober when Kim had disappeared and we were out of each other's lives that was almost exclusively SEXUAL. She was 5 years older then I was and I found her smart and attractive. We met through an online dating service and basically that's all we did for 6 weeks was romance each other. She had been really hurt in past relationships and so had I. I'm not proud of the fact that it was really just about sex but I think in a way it was healthy for me from a self-esteem, self-image perspective. Because I had pushed people away for so many years I really think it was good for me to trust again, to hold someone close and let all that pent-up fear and frustration flow out of me. In hindsight, it was a rather odd situation but at the time I thought it was pretty cool.
But then it ended as quickly as it began and that really hurt. I felt betrayed all over again but now I know that it would never have worked out over time...that relationship was basically a re-charge station along the road-way of my life. I needed to know that someone could be attracted to me and me to them...and have this occur while I was clean and sober while in recovery. It was the first time I'd had sex as a SOBER person and I really felt human again and that makes that experience all the more worthwhile.
I think I have the kind of special relationship that I do today with Kim because I had avoided relationships for the most part and just focused on getting better. I don't think that brief bit of sexual healing hurt me either. Today, well I wouldn't have made that same choice to get involved in a sexual relationship but at the time I am not going to beat myself up for it. I'm a better person, more sensitive and definately more secure confident and secure. So when the time comes I should be in a pretty healthy place...
(Painting by Paul Cezanne)