Here I sit in my hotel room after probably getting one of the better night's sleep I've had in several months feeling mostly good, a little sad creating an odd sense of pleasant bewilderment. I know...only I would feel such a thing, go figure!
Most regular readers know I have been periodically rehashing the issue/aftermath of my latest divorce...really the only divorce I ever had since the first one came after a marriage that really never had a chance to actually become one.
Well, as is typical for me (An why oh why is that!?), this issue of divorce and closure has turned into something much more complex and now has very little if ANYTHING to do with HER and simply everything to do with ME. And my alcoholism/addiction...
I am now firmly looking at the notion that due to my passionate love affair with booze and drugs, that I was indeed a CHEATER in my marriage. I was unfaithful to my wife...throughout the entire marriage actually. I brought my mistress into the home, I flaunted her wherever I was and even brought her into our bedroom, yes the mistress even joined us in bed while we were having sex....repeatedly!
I know that I have said that right after my X left I felt as if everything was my fault and I did. But I meant that I messed up a good thing...I never looked on it like I had a competing mistress in the house, like I had in reality betrayed her and for our entire marriage. I haven't a clue if she actually felt that way but I have a sneaking suspicion that she most certainly DID feel something attune to that. It's really hard to blame her for leaving now...
I will also add that in recent times I have almost completely revised history in that I had begun to look at this marriage as the one area where I was actually a victim, at least to a certain degree. Why? Because she left me...because she actually lied about her whereabouts when seeing a therapist....this gave me some wee bit of satisfaction to not feel wholly responsible for SOMETHING...anything. Now I discover THIS...Oh God, Why?@!
Our's was a marriage of infidelity. And I was the culprit...sure, at some point she "clocked out" of the marriage emotionally but I can see now that was solely a self preservation necessity...I would have done that too. i suspect that you my dear reader would have too.
I should have know better...this is how it always goes when one honestly seeks the TRUTH...it will show up with bells on, a big sh*t eating grin on it's all knowing FACE of reality. The only question now that this discovery has been made, announced and acknowledged...What in the world do I do NOW?!
(Painting by Pierre-Auguste Renoir)
