I guess you could call Monday October 24th a true day of FORGIVENESS. Early this morning while writing the post that precedes this one on the subject of forgiveness I just started to break down, my hands started to shake and it literally felt like inside my chest my heart was breaking in two. I was PHYSICALLY experiencing the power of forgiving. So I preceded to lay it out and forgave the 3 men who raped me some time around the end of 1974 and beginning of 1975 right there in the blog post.
It was the hardest most complex post I've ever been with associated with here on Shell Shock Serenade. I don't really know how it happens other then I think it was time. I had been working at being open minded but every time I thought of those men I felt physically sick. It was just a case where I had been praying and meditating for some answer and eventually I think that finally my inside eventually became fertile ground for it and it happened.
Don'r get me wrong...I do feel relief and I feel quite different inside but I got a sneaking suspicion that this forgiveness deal is an ongoing and daily practice and will need to be re-visited once in awhile. But it was a major move and a step...er, LEAP toward the LIGHT and in a big way. I had no plans to do this today or in the near future but the timing was just right...and BLAM, there it was.
For anyone reading the post before this one I warn you that it contains a rather graphic account of rape. I would not recommend it for children or anyone who is unable to cope with some of life's darker realities...frankly, you folks who shy away from this stuff unless you HAVE to are probably better off for it!
It is my sincere hope that by sharing my story about this that perhaps others might find some help in my having done so. At the very least it lets other people know that they are not alone...that somebody else has felt the same fear, loneliness and rage at others who did this to them. And you can recover and heal from it...
(PHOTO By Ansel Adams)
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