Sunday, October 30, 2011
A War Within...The Heart
I have a heart...ach, yea well...doesn't everyone? But I mean a loving, feeling compassionate heart that all really wants to be loved cherished and cared for in return. Another aspect of my growth and re-birth is acclimating myself, even getting to the point of accepting love and affection.
Accepting affection, especially in a public place is weird, awkward and difficult for me to deal with...I'm terribly uncomfortable with receiving affection freely and it is even tougher when other people are around. I have gotten better at just relaxing and appreciating it. That has comforted me and calmed things down so I can just be myself.
I don't know why I agonize of the emotional stuff but I suppose that it too probably goes back trust issues and trusting the other person specifically. I have really had some healthy people around who have guided me and given some helpful suggestions...having a little faith and trusting the Creator being the best advice I have received.
The issues for me today really do break down to how I feel now about sharing myself with another emotionally and physically for I now feel full of desire, passion, love and a driving intensify that gets harder by the day to muzzle. I realize the danger in just letting it all hang out and not trying to hold back.
And holding back is something I have really had to struggle to do. Not because I can't control myself or anything but I just feel things more deeply, the intensity just keeps building and growing and for once I want to be true to it and just express it the way it is.
No pretending, or hiding or suppressing the feelings and desire but just letting it build
naturally and release it when it happens to be the right time. It never worked out that way...I was always manipulating my own feelings to serve one purpose or the other.
Now I have natural, real feelings and I want to let them go but fear holds me back because I don't completely trust myself or other people. So I wonder if indeed I will ever realize who I really am. Just more fodder for an already troubled nights sleep...