It will be difficult to come to any specific conclusions about what happened in my marriage. For a long time I figured it was all my fault and I acted accordingly, IE: Self-Destructively. In my sick mind at the time this made perfect sense...I screwed up so now I need to "punish ME" by HURTING myself. Go figure....
I had known for years that there was part of me that had this "death wish" mentality and this new attitude just fueled this even more. Honestly by the end of my drinking/drug taking there wasn't much I did that made much sense the or now. I was drinking/snorting myself to death and taking Kim along with me. I no longer cared...
I felt hopeless and hollow, angry and wounded about everything. How in the world did I get to this chaotic, evil, heartbreaking place? Was it purely my alcoholism/addiction or something more?
Looking back now I think that everything that had happened to me up to that point in time led to that behavior and ultimately my decision that it would be better for everyone if I died. I know that it was nothing like: "I'll show you"...no, no way. It was "I can't do this anymore and I need rest plus trust me, you'll thank me for it later" I honestly thought that it would be best for my family too. I thought they would be upset but that would pass and they could move on. I knew better then they what was BEST for them. I still wanted to play God...
How did my separation and divorce impact this whole situation? well, I felt like I owed NOTHING to ANYONE...the divorce was final and by the very end even Kim was gone. I was an island...ALONE. I know that the way my split with M took place, the sudden (to me it was sudden, she had been planning it for some time and even had a house in mind when she told me she was leaving) decision and her insistence to hide her whereabouts as if I'd hurt her (it never COULD have happened, that wasn't me) made me feel less then human. Her behavior toward me helped to invalidate me in my own mind.
I already felt guilt, now I was some animal, not a person and I couldn't be trusted I was this same person who had cared about her all this time now I was dangerous..it was humiliating. Once again, I understand today what she was doing but at that time it was cruel, senseless and yea, it contributed heavily to my emotional instability...and that instability certainly contributed to my suicide attempt. I don't like saying that, suggesting there is linkage but it really did affect me so, it is what it is...I recall thinking at that time only about dying...I never considered any other alternative.
And I lived accordingly: I spent every dime that I had, I ran up every credit card I had, I drank and snorted boat loads of Cocaine almost every single day, pausing a day here a day there just to recover so I could do it again....some of those credit cards had unlimited ceilings, several in the $30K range, it was sick. I still cannot believe how my body and my mind withstood that incredible onslaught but I did...
Even in the end I was having trouble reconciling how things had ended this way. The beginning was so full of love, so full of promise....I never cared for another person the way that I had her. But the marriage got REAL very quickly and I suppose she realized that I had a rather dark and forbidding side pretty early in the game. But she tried to stick around because she had an obligation...
Obviously it wasn't going to work. To be continued....
(Painting By Vincent Van Gogh)
