Now I suppose the question is do I feel relieved that I have acknowledged this "dirty little secret" about my marriage. At this moment, no I certainly don't feel relief. I feel a familiar sense of weariness, because I realize that recognition of something troubling isn't the same thing as resolution. Nope...resolution can take time and often times action as well.
I have mentioned numerous times here on the SHOCK that part of my recovery process has been to learn the truth, knowledge it, accept it and be accountable for it, especially when the behavior in question may have hurt someone else. Anyone see where this is going?
RIGHT...I'm wondering if there is an additional amends I need to make here. A couple years ago I met my X and made amends...I took responsibility for my behavior and sincerely apologized. we talked about something specifically but as I've mentioned in this recent series of posts, I never spoke to her about this notion of being unfaithful to her because of drink. But realistically...IT was implied. Yea right, however implied it may have been I aknowledge myself at the end of "ANGEL" that this realization was NOT obvious to me, so perhaps it wasn't to her as well...I know that this decision to talk or not to talk will make ITSELF...it always does. It will become such an issue that I HAVE to or it will float gently into it's proper place to be recalled when needed but nothing more...
As of this writing I am not getting a clear push in one direction or another but one thing that I have learned is that if I truly need to make an amend...I will KNOW it and in a most powerful, clear cut way. Honestly I sure hope not...these kinds of amends are HARD but that is why they are so effective because they NEED to be done. They get results and clear YEARS of garbage out of one's life...just this simple act of saying sorry and meaning it, face to face. Of course this ONLY works after you have made real and OBVIOUS, long term changes in your life. Apologizing was something I did a LOT of when I drank and it didn't mean sh*t....you see the difference?
Ask me now and i would say that knowing myself and my recovery as well as I do, I do not think it will be necessary to find her and once again make a personal amends. As I mentioned if it needs to happen, it will. And I wouldn't be surprised if that is indeed the case that I would unexpectedly run into her for just that purpose...so we'll see. It has been nearly 3 years since I have seen her so if I do suddenly, then I'll know what needs to happen.
So I'll pray and meditate as I continue to accept this recent acknowledgement to know what, if anything I should do next. Often times that alone is enough to fulfil an amends..especially one like this where it may be more hurtful to HER to initiate contact just to make myself feel better by reminding her SPECIFICALLY and in great detail that I was NEVER faithful in the nearly 15 years of our relationship and marriage. And the mistress was alcohol...no I suspect that well enough might just be left alone in this matter. But time...that old rascal will be the one ultimately to tell.
(Painting by Renoir)
