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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Season In HELL

I would say that I can accept the notion that there is a time and a season in this life to suffer...or where suffering at one moment creates growth for another time and place...I would also say that more often then not and for surely in my own experiences these "seasons of trouble" as it were are the direct result of total selfishness run riot. In other words they are caused by our own selfish ambitions or greed. But played honestly and with effort they can work themselves out in a very positive way in the end...especially if everyone involved is pulling in the same direction, what a concept, eh?!

I never had expectations that life would be easy or anyone would somehow owe me anything. This attitude of entitlement that seems so prevalent today is not only foreign to me but frankly I find it repulsive. Yes I know...I was this totally self absorbed, self-centered guy that always put himself first but I never expected to just be given stuff. From my cars, to the houses, to vacations to even my excessive purchases of Cocaine...I earned it through traditional methods of work, savings, inheritance, marriage...I never thought the government or society owed me anything...ever. It's a difficult concept for me to grasp and accept.

I just sensed from an early age that there would be good times and there would be bad...perhaps I sensed this from being adopted. I mean I never actually felt abandoned...definately not consciously but perhaps in my sub-conscious mind I realized that I was being given up and that hurt. I's a stretch but I was never surprised by hardship even though my upbringing was very solidly upper middle class in social standing, schools, behavior, education...the whole thing.

Now I realize that at age life view was completely transformed by tragedy. That tragedy of course was my being sexually assaulted and raped. Things were never ever the same again. I began living a complete lie and would continue to do so for nearly the next 40 years. My attitude, outlook, self-esteem...everything was affected by what had happened and I could never change that. So I did my best to roll with it and that was that...

I guess one of the ironies of my inability to find forgiveness for those 3 men is that I was the one who suffered, seemingly unnecessarily for all these years. I had the nightmares, the difficulty breathing and feeling generally out of sorts. I could have just forgiven them and moved on but there was a "life-lesson" that ultimately I needed to learn and to this day i don't know what it was or why I needed to learn it...

Oh well...I need to close this post....i start the day with a 8am Theology Lesson in town. Peace!


  1. I try to think about what my lesson was out of what happened to me too. It's different for everyone, for me though, even though it sounds sort of cheesy, I feel like I learned that I am more than my body, bigger than what happened to my body. That I am my soul, something deeper in me that my abuser could ever touch. I hope I didn't say too much.

    God Bless


  2. Thank you BEG and no, i don't think you've EVER sad too much! I find your comments very helpful and always have.