Wet, Cold and Conflicted...

Go figure...the weekend is fast approaching and I have a 101 degree fever, sore throat and a pounding headache this wonderfully, wet, windy and chilly morning here in the lowest part, of lower Michigan...


It isn't difficult in life to fall into the trap of: "If only"...as in; "If  only I felt better or didn't have my disabilities or was healthy all the time and so on, etc.....life would be SO much better. But life does not really work that way, no I believe that you play the hand that has been dealt to you. Really...what else can you do?


When I get into moods like this where I am comparing my reality to my fantasy...it is usually because I've taken my eyes off of what matters, which are the good things I have going for me today and started focusing on the negative factor of what I do NOT have. I have never found it helpful or productive in all of my life to sit around and feel sorry for myself.


It does get a bit more complicated on days like today where I'm ill and I am struggling to keep myself going. It also presents me with a pretty serious dilemma and one that chuckle about because of the irony in whole thing.


I volunteer at a local nursing home on Wednesdays organizing a trivia type game and holding a spelling contest. Then on Saturday mornings (it gets switched to Friday's at 6p on some weekends...this is one of those) I read the Bible out loud for an hour. Well I'm suppose to be there tonight at 6p and I am obviously sick. Illness is part of my life, unfortunately but at least there has been some improvement in that I am not as sick often and as seriously as I used to be. But it is a regular and normal occurrence as part of my daily life. What this means is I really should not go in today and risk getting the residents sick. The dilemma is I love doing this and selfishly...I don't want to cancel out! I love going there and I hate to miss out on the opportunity to do so.


And that is the part I find ironic...that I have an excuse to get out of a commitment yet I really do not want to. Part of me wants to just let it ride...The "Old Me" would have jumped at the chance to cancel out and go drink...now I want to go and read the Bible. I guess some things have really changed, eh!?


There are 3 ladies who attend the bible reading every week without fail who are  101, 100 and 97 years old. Of the other 5 regulars who basically  never miss a session, there isn't one of them under the age of 88.  So what is my point in listing their ages? Let's face it...at that age, though they are all in reasonable good health and take care of themselves they are certainly a bit more vulnerable to illness so it would  totally irresponsible for me to ignore that fact and expose them to a cold or the flu or whatever it is that I am coming down with. But it is another example of where my selfishness in wanting to read conflicts with what is the right thing to do....


It would be easy to justify going in and reading but my responsibility is to the residents health first. So I'll see if I snap out of this in an hour or so and if I don't well I'll have to make that phone call...


I feel like I'm a completely different person this morning, like I'm not even real. Usually writing a blog post is nearly effortless and a shear pleasure (unless the subject matter is really painful) but today writing is total agony...a chore. So why continue any more then I have to, right?


Perhaps we can post later. I am in the middle of a pretty intense discussion of sex and my reaction toward it as I grow and change in my recovery. I'd really like to keep flogging that topic while it is fresh....so we'll see how it feels later.