I have a hard time believing that I have even thought about this but I wondered now that I have forgiven my rapists the question crossed my mind if I could forgive them to their face. Shockingly the answer that came back to me during some meditation and reflection time was...yea, I can do that now.
WHAT?!!Seriously, you've got to be kidding me? God I think you might have taken this thing a bit too far...I have already written a post about how I felt some relief and that my heart was in a much better place but I don't suddenly want to get all freaking warm & fuzzy with these clowns...
I do truly feel forgiveness way down deep. I no longer want to shoot each one of those men personally. No...I pray everyday that those men find the Lord...and forgiveness...the real kind of forgiveness that quiets a man's soul, that stops the screaming voices of guilt and shame in his HEAD....the eternal, life giving kind of forgiveness.
Even though I have found forgiveness in my heart for these guys, I still wonder why they did it. Was it personal somehow or did I draw the proverbial "short straw" and become an opportune target at that moment...I also have wondered if I really was the only one attacked there that day...there definately could have been others. Something in my mind tells me that I wasn't the only one that day, that there was a series of assaults on unsuspecting victims.
If that is indeed the case...and there are others out there I wonder...could I know you? Are you OK tonight? Have you found peace? What did you do all this time...do you still remember?
I still wonder how much I have really healed. I have found over the years that certain situations would bring a sudden wave of great sorrow or unexpected shaking followed by tears. The nightmares as of last night are still there though I will admit something about them was different, though I can't quite put my finger on it.
Some times I am afraid that the "dirty-ness" I have always felt on the inside after the incident will become visible to everyone and I will be shunned or avoided for being a soiled person. That fear goes way back to the beginning. I wonder if people will no longer want to talk to me and I won't be able to go out anymore in public without being recognized there is always that feeling of alienation...
I know in my head...that it isn't going to happen but my irrational fears based on the shame and the guilt (yea I feel guilty that I "ALLOWED" myself to be raped and beaten up) have won't let me believe that it's all over now and everything is going to be OK.
So clearly all is not well but it is getting better by the....well let's just agree it is getting better!
(PHOTO By Kathy Tomson)