Saturday, October 15, 2011
A Rather Cold Heart
I didn't care...if you were uncomfortable. I could have cared less if you wanted to do something else. I ignored you if you didn't agree with everything I said because in my opinion, In my WORLD...you were to freakin' STUPID to matter anyway. And if you went to church or belonged to a political party or dressed like most people in the "up to date styles of the day" well you were labelled a SHEEP. Why...because I had you pegged for someone who couldn't think for themselves....
Of course it never occurred to me that perhaps those people had actually CHOSEN to do those things...no, couldn't be...they were SHEEP...actually F*CKING SHEEP to be succinct. I didn't have use for anyone or anything I didn't or couldn't agree with or relate to so automatically, by default it was wrong. I of course was always right.
I was a real sweetheart all right...quite a dandy, a peach. NOPE...I was a miserable HATER is what I was. As life got darker and darker...so did my personality and my attitude. I nurtured a death-wish...I lived like I didn't want to live anymore:HARD. I pushed the limits of behavior and my drinking and drug use exploded to unimaginable heights, I had completely lost control.
To suggest that I didn't care about anyone or anything was almost laughable...I'd gone completely COLD. I'd lost the ability to feel like most people do...what I could feel was mostly rage, anger, hate, self-loathing and it was all internalized. It was like I knew I was bad and needed to be punished so I continuously hurt myself with my behavior.
Honestly, I can recall looking in a mirror and absolutely NOTHING stared back at me, NOTHING. There is a scene in the movie JAWS where the fisherman Quinn is describing the eyes of a Great White Shark as having Black, lifeless, DEAD eyes....that was a description of ME...I could relate. And yea, you did just read that correctly, dear Reader...I just stated that what I could relate to back then was a pre-historic, underwater MONSTER..a KILLER by design. No heart, no feeling, no remorse, no wonder I didn't care about anything or anyone....a MURDERED SOUL was I.
It is customary today in our media driven world to use language that is over the top, exaggerated. For example you will hear a young teenager describe themselves as NUMB or feeling NOTHING because their boyfriend broke up with them. Same with the well to do man or woman who is dissatisfied with their life, they will use similar language. Hey, I know they are unhappy...granted I get it but they feel NOTHING?! They have NO idea what they are talking about...they haven't been HURT enough to feel nothing or be NUMB.
I know, I am gonna get it for saying that, I'll get accused of being elitist as if others can't be alienated or hurting if they haven't been raped or suffer from addiction. I'm not saying that at all...I just know what it TOOK to get to that place where I felt NOTHING. It was a complete emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual COLLAPSE that caused it. Otherwise the human body and human beings are amazingly resilient...they can endure INCREDIBLE hardship and pain before numbness sets in.
I just think we live in an age where it is almost "trendy" to feel that level of angst, heartache and pain. People feel "artsy" like an artist does or should...what a joke. ACH...hey folks...you can have it, I want no part of it anymore. Been there, done that SURVIVED...enough said. Suffer or pretend to suffer if you wish....I've moved on.
That was the guy I was before I got sober. My point in telling you all this is to emphasize what it really took to get me to surrender and turn to GOD. Any less pain, hardship, alienation or the like and I might have continued to try and WING it. More then likely I would have died in the process....I don't understand why some people today think it's cool to have suffered in life...it isn't. It just plain hurts:It hurts yourself, those you care about and turns your world completely upside down. Why would that sound romantic or attractive or cool...to anyone, huh?!
Why would anyone think that is enviable? I don't get it, I just don't...anyhow, that is where I was when this life journey of mine turned literally away from darkness and toward the LIGHT.
(Skull Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)