There are times in my life,and this is one of them....where I still feel too hurt to try...Too hurt to feel, to think, to share, to open up even one freaking inch more then I already have. I feel toxic and incurable...I manifest the sorrow I experienced and it becomes ME. I can no longer distance myself from the heartache and all hope slithers under the nearest rock. I stand alone...
Yet...I am not standing alone tonight. And I know that..
Maybe I shouldn't even be writing tonight. I don't always HAVE to post something. And though I say the point of this blog is to capture, in real time the daily life of a guy in recovery from alcoholism/addiction who is also suffering PTSD from rape and sexual assault as a child. Tonight is difficult...emotions are raw and there are some issues that I honestly feel do not belong here on a public blog. Not everything is your F-ing business...
Just for re-assurance sake...everything is perfectly fine with my sobriety/recovery. My issues are emotional and related to a personal relationship, I am in no danger of relapsing (no more danger then any other day I mean..) I do feel strongly that it can be inappropriate to share any specific details here because another person is involved and I need to respect their privacy. But it hurts...I hurt, I'm really hurting tonight.
I can tire of sorrow and I have...no more intense sorrow...please God? Haven't I had enough? Why must there always be more....
I'm not what I was, the selfish, poser, hater who resented everything...thank you God! And on the other hand...I'm not what I was....young, vibrant, idealistic, hopeful...why God...WHY?
That's my life in a few sentences..On one hand thank God that part of me is gone forever YET the good parts are gone forever as well. There was a price to pay for living life My Way...I paid it, in FULL. Frank Sinatra ought to have sung about the price he paid for doing it "His Way". Nobody tells you that starting OVER means just that....chucking the whole Kit and Caboodle and beginning again. And even if there are parts of you that you would like to keep they typically are so abused...so damaged that they now seem worthless.
Sorrow is a living entity...it breathes deep within...it's self fuelling, self starting and it feeds on what little joy one is allotted in this existence. Now I guess I finally understand the TRUTH: Sorrow is my friend....
"Sorrow is a living entity"... I agree.
ReplyDelete"It feeds on what little joy one is allotted in this existence." I respectfully disagree. The sorrow is what we can drown in, the joy is what keeps us afloat.
This reminded me of a poem by a female Canadian writer of all things. I couldn't find it online, so I had to grab the book. Being that I have to type it out anyways, I'll either email you or post it on my blog.
Thanks SG...You gave me some very interesting food for thought about joy. This is where I've ended up about IT: I've experienced so little joy in my life as a whole and I mean true joy, that I've come to the conclusion that it isn't possible that joy is what has kept me afloat all these years. No...in my case (and I whole-heartedly believe it may be different for somebody else)I believe it is HOPE that has done that. And I'm certain the reason I haven't experienced much (if any, really) joy in my life it is because the deep well of sorrow inside is at the very least over-powering it, if not actually devouring it...That's my take anyhow.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep an eye peeled for that poem and thank you again for the thought provoking post. I've no doubt that's absolutely the truth is some peoples cases...I just think because of my specific circumstances (read: Sexual Assault/RAPE) my situation is significantly different.
Just read the poem over on your blog: "The Revelation" by Lucy Maud Montgomery...I think I'll post on that poem here this morning some time. Thank you for sharing this and your opinion.
ReplyDeleteI've always had a great deal of respect for your opinion and point of view. Please don't EVER stop sharing it with us!
I started a response to your comment, but not too sure about it yet. Sorrow and joy, not easy to encompass in a wee comment box. They require and deserve more thought, time and space.
ReplyDelete