Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Becoming Whole Again
It doesn't take much I guess to freak me out...
Readers of Shell Shock Serenade have by now become familiar with the picture used as the original Header of this blog. I have used that same pic, looking into the eye of the author since the origin of the blog. I liked what it represented and though I've been pondering a change, I have been reluctant because I felt that picture really captured the essence of what I am trying to do here.
But I do believe that change is a positive thing and that it was truly time to try something a bit different. Over the last week or two, I've changed the font, moved some things around but frankly I was avoiding making the big move: changing the picture behind the header. Again, not because it was hard to do...nope it's easy to remove and add a picture. It was finding a pic that truly represented what I was trying to relate here on SSS.
I had a whole series of pics, probably a hundred or so that I had taken at the same time as the original picture. I have been working with some of those photos, using HP Photosmart Premier. I came across a few that I really thought had potential and started trying them as the header Photo.
And I was truly surprised to find myself getting a little "buggy" when I looked at the 3 photos I was considering as the final choice. It was like I got caught in the gaze and all the pain and chaos of the past came flooding back. All because I was looking at a freaking PICTURE for Pete's sake...And of my own eye's! What the hell was wrong with me. OK, let's not go there.
I just did not expect those photos to invoke such emotion. Well that solidified things for me...I was definately going to use one of those pictures. Eventually the final choice was pretty easy because it worked best with the title and just seemed to fit.
But I kept going back to my reaction...why was I feeling so intense about those eyes? I look at them everyday in the mirror...it was as if they were reflecting back all the emotion that had been stored inside for all those years.
The rock band The Who have a song off their Who's Next album called Behind Blue Eyes. It was a song that I just really related to as a kid and I still do to this day. I think in a lot of ways it also reflects a lot of my feelings for those lost years....
I think this whole experience just reinforces once again why I not only want to write this blog but on another level entirely...NEED to write it. It's cathartic, it's a steam valve for the emotion that got left behind, trapped as it were behind those baby blue eyes.
I gaze into these photos today and the images of myself as a boy, flitter by. The innocent little guy with thick, auburn colored hair wearing his white Sailor Suit and yea, those Big BLUES...But then, Ach! The things he witnessed with those "innocent' eyes begin to intrude.... Leaving way too much to comprehend, too much to take and process so they were shoved back, way back and left seemingly...forever.
Until NOW...oddly , at this moment I'm glad to see that little guy and those memories again. It truly is like being reunited with a part of myself that has been away for awhile. And I think I'm starting to understand now that it's part of my process of becoming WHOLE again. It's necassary and just really what I needed right now.
Isn't it funny how that works...