A small list of what I am not would include the following:
I am Not: Perfect, Special, Privileged, Always right, Better then anyone else, Smarter then anyone else, Entitled...just to name a few.
I also am NOT GOD. I am not a spiritual expert...eh, no way anyone would mistake ME for that! I wouldn't even go so far as to say I'm a spiritual beginner...I don't know what I am other then a follower of God. He leads/I FOLLOW. I believe and I know deep down I cannot do this (live a worthwhile life) on my own, I need guidance and I'm not too proud to admit it and ask for it. That really is what I can do...I can ask for guidance and live by that example, today.
Why would I? Because I tried living life my way, with myself as the sole priority and it was CHAOS. When I renounce self, as I try to do today...my life just happens to be much better then it ever was.
I experience a sense of calm these days that I never had before. Why wouldn't I? For the first time in my life I don't feel like I have to take care of everything for everybody, all the time...PERFECTLY. For the first time I can just be myself..goofy, awkward, geeky, questioning, thinking out loud, laughing, with a strange sense of humor...just me, that is all: Just ME. And that calmness I experience. At nearly 49 years of age, I am regularly experiencing SERENITY in my life for the FIRST time.
I have moments where I truly feel serene...I still have trouble believing that, serenity?! What the Hell was that?! I had never really even used that word in my life before recovery...never even used it...EVER! So I certainly never experienced it either. Bid deal, you say. Intensity is SO much more interesting, much more fun. Er...perhaps...perhaps NOT! Not when the adrenalin throttle is stuck to the damn floor every second of your life. Huh-uh, not fun!
That was me...thrill-seeking Thom, I never knew when to quit...ever. I drove people nuts because of that...in fact, I still can if I don't watch myself. I hold on too tight, I flog the crap out of everything I do...or say or think...it never stopped and that most definitely pushed me to the very edge of sanity. you add booze/dope to that mixture: explosive doesn't come close to describing how unstable I was.
That was my counter-balance to serenity...so you can imagine why feeling calm and serene seems so unusual, so unique and what a pleasure it is to not feel like my entire ASS is on fire 24/7!
I am not the GUY who is special. I don't have all the answers..oh, I'll do my best but I won't pretend today to be someone I am NOT. Who I am is the guy who will just do his best to be a human being...the best ME I can, warts and all. It is truly important for me today to remain humble...not to put myself down..NO. I have no need to humiliate myself anymore today then I already have in the past. That's over...that nightmare eh
I trust, with all of my heart that there is a plan for me today. So all I really need to do is show up, deny myself, pick up my cross and FOLLOW....Simple, eh? But never EASY.
(This story will be continued...)