BROKEN

This is not a happy post. This happens to be a rather HEAVY post...it's about a WAR. A war within one's self...my war, usually fought deep inside, far out of the sight of others. It's showing itself right now and I am afraid.

I feel broken....just so terribly broken inside, like all the sorrow, stored there for oh so long, is now seeping out through the cracks in my soul and is burning me with it's poison.

I know it is important to face our demons, those things that haunt us. I also know it is important to share and expose that stuff to the light, to put it in it's proper place and I do my best at that. But I get awfully tired of feeling like damaged goods all the freaking time.I just want to be healed, please...


There are times, like the present when I do wish I didn't feel anything at all. I know that isn't realistic and for one who is in recovery, that CAN be a very dangerous notion if it is acted up on. With God's help today, I see no danger in that happening. Yet the thought lingers...

Why, you may ask would it be dangerous to not want to feel? Well that is basically what I was trying to do when drinking and drugging all those years. To NOT FEEL anything at all...I simply CANNOT even go there, it isn't an option for me today.

I think that my sorrow, that emo-pain so deep inside is making it impossible for me to forgive myself for what I have done.For being THERE...THEN.

This is related to the TABOO...yep, the forbidden blog subject, the details of my sexual assault and that whole experience. There is so much shame involved in that thing, I can't describe how much I've hated myself for what happened...

It makes NO sense at all yet I feel awful...shame, self-loathing, disgust. I feel so angry and I have no where to go with it...

I will not share those details here...I can't do that to myself so I won't. But I have shared it in therapy and to trusted friends and....there in lies I suspect, part of the problem.

As awesome as those people have been, they listened and loved me when I was so hurt, so down. Yet I have always felt that deep down they still judge me and I feel the shame all over again. People can't possibly understand and I take that personally. I shouldn't but I feel so isolated by that ONE experience.

I have had trauma therapy on two different occasions, nearly 20 years apart. The last time just a few years ago, right before and right after I sobered up. That forgiveness piece just doesn't want to fit. And once again I feel so terribly alone..

I often feel that even God is angry at what happened and I never feel totally accepted by anyone or anything. What am I to do? Reach out more? How can I? I already feel like a freak, like I'm dirty and useless. Should I detach more...hell no, that's suicide for a guy like me. That is NOT a solution for this person, no way.... 

It can be so hard...I have some incredible things going on in my life today yet this damn thing won't leave me alone and all I can do is ...pray.

It's all I have...all that there is left yet at times prayer can feel like wishing.

I sat in on an amazing sermon today by the pastor and he hit it, THE nail, yep THAT nail, the TABOO NAIL, right on the head. What little "knots" he asked,of anger, hurt, sorrow, etc was I hiding deep down inside? Oh my..I started to shake...and tears came but no relief. I have to admit that for the fist time in a LONG while I felt a whiff of hopelessness, of despair.

I don't want sympathy or understanding from others. I just wish I could heal inside and forgive myself, once and for all...