Letting It Fly...

Boy do I feel like my ass..um, er...heart is hanging out there sometimes emotionally. I mean way out there and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to go back to a time or a place where I can shelter it some. Nor do I think going back would be truly in my best interest or in the best interest of others.

It just feels RISKY at times to be so open with my emotions. To share a story so personal and potentially hurtful with so many people, a large percentage of whom I'll never even meet.

Why do it? You mean other then I HAVE to, that absolutely feel compelled to and it just comes out naturally?! I haven't a f**king clue...er, that's not entirely true. Deep down in that very same heart I know that there is a higher purpose for things that happen in my life, often it is far beyond my intellectual ability to comprehend. Yet I still trust the notion and follow it...


When I threw in the towel on my drinking/drugging life, I surrendered to the fact that I in fact was totally powerless to give it up on my own and that my life was unmanageable in it's current state. I accepted that fact and began to try to live a life based on certain principles that to this day have led from that life of lies, self-centeredness and self destruction, to a life based on honesty, open mindedness and service.

That is what I strive for...of course I usually fall short but the idea is a life BASED on those things. Half measures, I have found won't cut it...no I have to give all of my self for this kind of life to succeed.

If I'm asked why I am so open with personal information from my past, my usual answer will be that those events HAPPENED, it's fact and they cannot be taken back. Many of them were terrible, painful experiences...if some good can be achieved by my sharing those experiences, then I feel obligated, yes morally obligated to do so. Then somehow those situations didn't seem to have happened for no reason.

And yes, that has become important to me. As I trudge this new road in my life today, I do strive to do the right thing, to give what I can to be useful to another person. Often what I do have to give is my story and the experience and feelings that accompany that story. Those are the things that connect me to the lives of others. That is what is important....making a connection.

Often when I have shared my story, a person will respond that they thought they were the only one who felt that way. BINGO! That's it right there..I FELT that way at one time and I cannot begin to explain how profoundly affected I was to learn that I wasn't ALONE.

Often that is what sharing of yourself, no matter what your specific story is will communicate to some one else: "Hey, maybe I'm not all alone here" Wow, I'm NOT alone.

I believe God puts us in that place for a reason. What that whole experience really tells people is that there is hope. I never would have had the life I have today if it wasn't for that initial recognition that I wasn't the only one who felt the way I did. I believe God uses people for that purpose. He certainly did in my life.

So that is why I must be open, I'm obligated to let that experience show others who are not so fortunate that there is HOPE. How can I possibly deny that opportunity to another person, because I'm afraid? Uh-uh, I can't do that so I open up and have faith that it's the right thing to do...

I have moments of doubt. We all do, I realize that that. But now that I know I'm not God, I probably have them a bit more frequently then I used to. And I had a major moment of doubt today. It was brief, they typically are today...they come, I go "WTF!?" and they drift away....

It can be really hard to make yourself vulnerable to others. It demands a faith and a level of trust that I simply do not posses on my own. I require help to go there. Today God helps me go there...