DILEMMA

Ahh, let's see, what do we have here? An interesting lifestyle dilemma, as it were.

On one hand, I've found it much easier and more interesting to blog when "shit happens." As in a drama or a crisis of any kind, real or imagined...I can take off on that and jam out a post in a second. Of course it still doesn't guarantee that it's interesting or worthy of a read... But it does makes blogging a lot more interesting and yea, fun when you have something to "get really righteous about"...

Of course on the other hand, recovering folks like myself strive for some normalcy in our lives, a boring routine perhaps or just some consistency in our day to day emotions, etc. Especially in the early days, achieving that "normalcy" (interesting right, that this addict sees "boring" as "normalcy", hmm) is a main goal, it's what we are trying to achieve, to leave that intensity, the drama behind.

So in a small and rather comical (comical to me now, it wouldn't have been a year ago) way these two things conflict...

I find that funny because there were days, not all that long ago when I dreamed of lengthy periods of boring routine, haha. I'd have given anything to not have all the intense emotion or physical issues. Now I have that kind of life, and I'm whining about it! Typical addict, never satisfied and always wanting MORE, MORE and MORE...

I'm having some fun with this but truly it is an interesting change in perspective for me. And it highlights one of the real challenges presented to me as a recovering person today: The fact is even though I am sober and in recovery, those old behaviors, tendencies and desires are still there, they are still real and yes, perhaps there is some validity to some of them...

Who says that having some "PUSH", some intensity to one's life is wrong and in my case, counter productive to my recovery. I think that you don't have to have a boring life to be in recovery. But that was certainly my perception when I first sobered up...That to get sober I'd have to stop having fun! That's totally freaking crazy right? That even at the end of my drinking, I still thought it was fun?! Take a look: My Last Day Drinking.. 

That was total insanity of course but reflective of the mind of an addict/alcoholic...believe me, that is the way we think. That we can fix things and everything will turn out all right. Some folks take that line of reasoning, that same rational, right to the grave...

But I want to get back to this notion of sobriety and fun...Obviously I had to change my perception of what was fun. I actually thought that drinking, by myself for hours and days at a time was fun. Sick right? No shit it was sick! Being out on the town at bars, drinking and driving...going to parties, etc. All that stuff happened...but by the time I quit those days were long gone. I hated going out, and honestly: drinking and drugging to oblivion at home, all alone or with one friend was my idea of fun at the end...I lived in a prison of my own making.

I drank and drugged mostly at home or at a close friend's house. I used Cocaine and booze, usually in 3-4 day binges then I was terribly sick for a day or so. Even then I was still taking drugs like Morphine, Methadone, Vicodin and Ritalin to maintain. Then  I'd start the Coke cycle over again and again and again. Vicious circle? UH, YEA! I'd say so...So that was my "idea"  of fun, that I was missing something by staying clean/sober.

But I still had to learn how to live sober, to have fun, be responsible and do things without the booze/drugs. It wasn't easy because my entire life revolved around that life, everything I did involved drugs and drinking. So it wasn't an easy pattern to brake.

And it took time to get things figured out. It basically took me a YEAR just to feel good physically! But eventually everything has worked out really well. Hell, I'm crazier sober (crazy in that fun way!) then I was when I was drunk. I like to laugh,No love to laugh and act ridiculous. I no longer stay at home, nope usually I'm out and about every day. I have so many interests and I love being around people today. I used to avoid as much human contact as possible, then you didn't have to explain yourself or your condition...

So it just took time and a little patience and creativity to find a life that I enjoy. And I'm still discovering things I enjoy every day...And frankly, life is a riot!