Friday, February 18, 2011
Winds Of Change
It is one windy day out here on the lake...It's really blowing hard. Thanks, got most of the sticks picked up from the blizzard the last few days and now more wind, lovely! I will admit that I do like it when I'm all snuggled in the house though and I can hear the wind whistling wildly outside. Howling like a Banshee but warning me of what? Hmmm...you've got my attention now, I'm definately listening!
I guess i take some comfort in the sound of the wind, it's familiar. I'm feeling rather unsettled at the moment. I have a major decision to make concerning a financial matter and though I have done all my homework/footwork...it still has me feeling somewhat out of my comfort zone.
Part of the wreckage of my alcoholic past that I often refer to was financial. I made a lot of money and squandered it. I was married and squandered our collective finances as well. In addition to feeling badly about those past behaviors and having made amends as best I could, I am also very gun shy when it comes to incurring any kind of debt.
You could honestly say that I still don't trust myself and I would say that is accurate. That is definately part of my hesitation. You may ask what do you mean by "not trusting yourself". Does that mean I won't pay the bill? No what I'm referring to there is this:
Addicts/alcoholics are master manipulators and downright liars when they have to be. In the past, when I tended to want something, no matter how unfavorable the circumstances...I could always convince myself and others that it was indeed the right thing to do. Even when it clearly WASN'T the right thing at all to do.
I just want to be sure I'm not running a game on myself. I've done the math, I've consulted others who are objective, I've re-checked the numbers and the number one thing I did was take my time making this decision.
Making compulsive decisions on the fly, by the seat of my pants got me in deep financial trouble at one time in my life. I just don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past. I've also spent time in meditation and prayer...though that sounds corny to some..it really allows me some time to contemplate what is happening and to see if it feels like the right thing to do.
Yep, you read that right: "feels like the right thing...". I really believe deep down we get hints, nudges or call it cosmic direction. I need to be at peace with my decision, any decision that I make today and that is how I can tell if I am. I know...TWILIGHT ZONE stuff but it has been working for me so why change now?