Thursday, February 10, 2011
I might be pushing it here, writing another post. It's funny but I feel like I get in a groove writing and there are times like the last couple of days where the posts seem to just flow. Of course there are also times where they definately DO NOT flow, haha!
I never really saw myself as much of a writer. back in the High School & College years I did write a good deal of poetry and song lyrics. Pretty creative but nothing I was to fond of, it was a bit of an emotional release then I suppose just like writing fills that function for me today.
Yet these days it's become much more then just an emotional Steam Valve to release the built up energy inside of me. I really believe I am tapping into something deeper here, much deeper. Yes emotionally...that is typical for me, I think to lead w/my emotions. I hope I do this in a much more positive and productive fashion then I used to and not just fly off the handle with all sorts of overly emotional crap, tee hee.
I'm really feeling a different kind of energy when I write, it's new to me and hard to really explain. That FLOW I mentioned earlier has something to do with it but it's the source of the writing, coming from a deeper, darker and yet brighter place too then ever before. It involves the brain but it bypasses it as well. I think I intellectually get an idea, then tap into this other thing and the old brain gets the hell out of the way. It truly is a trip.
maybe that is true stream of conscience writing, I don't know. The first time I noticed this was the post Darkest Before The Dawn which included very specific details that I had never recalled before the moment I wrote them in that post. I was floored by that discovery because that kind of thing had not really happened to me in that fashion before. And the fact that the subject matter was so significant to me, literally recalling the moments leading up to my suicide attempt.
So this stream of thought thing doesn't happen every time I write, Jeez I kinda wish it did! But honestly with everything there is a serious side and this gift of consciousness comes with with some trepidation. I sure wasn't expecting to recall that one night so I wonder:" What else is there that I have suppressed, that i don't recall?" Will that stuff just start tumbling out and emotionally crush me? '
Ya know, I really had thought I'd done a good job in therapy working through allot of this stuff. i really thought that suicide night memory was lost forever because of the sheer amount of drugs, booze and trauma from that night. It is the unpredictability of it that frightens me. I've become recovery writing's Forrest Gump: I never know what I'm gonna get when i sit down and write. That is both thrilling and scary as hell all at the same time....
But once again, as I've found often lately, I will trust it, have faith it's the right thing to do, get my eyes up and proceed forward. Down the road of happy destiny as it were. Until tomorrow my friends, until tomorrow...