Thursday, February 17, 2011
Good morning, Good Morning, Good morning!
Sorry, I sort of had a Beatles song theme going on in my head today so I thought I'd share it with all of you.
I find it interesting how different my moods are these days. Not clear where I'm going here? Me either, actually...I'll try to elaborate:
I used to be very affected by my surroundings and circumstance. Literally my mood would be influenced by those things. If I was upset by a comment a person made to me or even at statement made on TV, it could impact my mood and behavior during my day, shoot at times for the REST of the day! That's ridiculous, isn't it.
I really let things get to me that way. And sure, I can be just as susceptible to that today if I'm not careful...
But I had a tendency to let others "eat my lunch" all the time. It was unreal how much power over my mood, behavior and self esteem I let people have...and I was the one who was going around letting everyone know what an "individual" I was. I marched to my own drummer all right: right over a cliff!
It has taken me a long time sort this kind of stuff out. My initial reaction when I started to learn these things about myself was to go completely in the other direction. I ignored people, even when they had constructive, interesting or "GASP!", even helpful comments to make. Ultimately that wasn't really working for me either...
See a pattern here? Yep, I just seem to have to find things out for myself...learn the proverbial HARD WAY. I did...looking back I had many obvious opportunities to learn these things in a more constructive, less hurtful manner but for whatever reason, this is how it worked out for me. And for the best I might add because I have no doubt today that those were NOT constructive, enjoyable ways to behave and I simply had to find another way to live that I would embrace.
So ultimately it made deciding to change, easier. No it did not make CHANGING my self any easier but it certainly helped me to decide. I wasn't very decisive at that time, an issue I struggle with to this day so that was truly a real benefit to me.
So today I understand more clearly that changing behavior is often a process and one that I don't do very well on my own. I have been fortunate. I have friends who have been there. Hold on, let me back it up for a second...
What I have described here, letting others influence basically how I felt about myself, is quite common amongst Alkies/Addicts trying to find recovery. So in recovery I have run into many people who truly "had been there before" and that has really helped me.
I had become more TEACHABLE, a better LISTENER because my disease (Alcoholism/Addiction) had beat me nearly to death and into submission. THAT my friends, got my attention.
Perhaps the reader will remember when I've spoken of SURRENDER in past posts? This is what I was referring to when I wrote that: I surrendered my will to resist and stopped fighting. I stopped fighting the people and opportunities that ultimately were trying to SAVE MY LIFE! That it was a life saving surrender, of that I am completely certain! It meant that I would NOW listen to what others had to say instead of acting like I knew it all. I was: Mr-Know-It-All-Right-To-His-Grave...GUY!
And listening to the experiences that those people shared and continue to share with me today has made this change (and other equally important changes) possible. Doable. And doable was enough for me to keep at it...
As I sign off here I'm going to throw out a bit of a warning. There are many sides to a story of addiction and recovery. And my story is no different. It also should be noted that this is a story in progress...it is still being written every single day of my life. And that is the point, ultimately of Shell Shock Serenade: to capture that story, live as it is happening.
There are Joys and sorrows in this story, trials and errors. Any long time reader will possibly remember when I've changed my mind or opinion about something based on feedback or experience. That stuff happens and you have to be willing to admit your wrong and make the change.
This story is going to enter into a subject matter that I still have some difficulty discussing because frankly, it's brand new to me. And that is my belief in a Higher-Power, that I choose to call GOD. This is a toughie, believe me. I will save the details of why for the posts themselves but yep that is my warning about future posts: I may talk about GOD.....
So HOLD on tight, folks...HOLD ON!