I feel pretty sparky this afternoon...hope everyone else does too. And I have not a clue why accept that I just do so how cool is that, eh? F**king cool, that's what I say....
You don't get a lot of those "good days" just out of the blue where I come from...nope. You earn or create them with booze/dope and the reality of that is that they are an illusion and your just Mind F**king yourself. And I knew that at the time, that I was kidding myself but I went along anyway because my life was a JOKE. I played the JOKER role well...until I didn't anymore.
A JOKE, a LIE...all of the above. I lived in a dream world where I pretended that everything was OK, even when I KNEW...yea I KNEW that it was a falsification, a smoke screen of my own creation. I would believe that my reality was different therefore I operated on the premise that it was and everything was cool.
I couldn't understand why the other people in my life were so alarmed by the situation...I thought everything was great: so it was. Except it WASN'T. NOOO, not even close so the other people in my life bailed, very quickly and I didn't get it, I couldn't understand their reaction.
My solution was to drink/drug more...that was always my solution to every problem. I thought they were chicken shits, they were disloyal: a shitty wife, shitty friends, shitty family members, etc...I felt that they betrayed me. I couldn't have been more wrong....Hell they were only trying to protect themselves.
Realistically I can hardly blame them now, in hindsight but I didn't have the gift of that clarity then. So everyone who didn't join in my dream world fantasy that everything was just fine...well they were SHITS, basically.
But then the bottom fell out of my world and I've told that story. Something had to drastically change or I was going to die. I'll leave it at that for now and pick it up at some later time...
He he, how do you like that folks, I say I'm having a good day and ALL THAT pours outta me, whew. Welcome to my world...at least this time my world at least meets up with the real world!
*Wheatfield With Crows- Vincent Van Gogh