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Friday, February 25, 2011

What I AM

I guess it isn't unusual to feel weird when you have made major change in your life. I have a notion that I'm feeling way more out of my comfort zone then any one could detect from any perceived change in my behavior. Translation: I'm not acting any differently...

Doesn't make much sense? I mean that I don't think anyone would even know I am a Christian if I hadn't said it so clearly last night. I have been trying to live by certain spiritual principles since I got sober back in the Summer of 2006. I don't feel any different except that I've realized my Higher Power is God...the Christian God: Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

I think the changes I have experienced have been mostly internal in terms of providing some clarity to what had actually happened to me and has been happening to me for these last 4.5 years. I have always feared that becoming a "Christian" would divide me from others, based on the hypocrisy I thought I had witnessed in the past. I did not and do not want that to happen. I don't want to be separate from my fellow brothers/sisters on this planet....we are all the same people under the skin.

I don't believe that is what my Creator wants either. I think I'm just reacting to some of my old stereotypes I had about Christians...the funny thing is I have not seen the behavior I expected with folks at the church I attend. They are REAL, sincere, honest, loving people who have embraced me as a friend. I am very grateful for that.

They haven't asked for $$, commitments or anything of me and I've inquired about isn't the focus of this church's mission in life. I am impressed but you know what? Who cares...these people and this church doesn't need to impress me....they do wonderful work and they are amazingly good people. I feel privileged to be a part of that community today.

That is a huge deal for me...I've never felt like I fit in anywhere, with anyone yet I have never felt so accepted and comfortable. And please realize, they know I am in recovery...some know quite a few details of my alcoholism/addiction and the behaviors that went with it. Bottom line...they know I'm come from a hard-core place, I have lived hard and did my best to die-hard (me and Bruce Willis, hehe!) and they aren't intimidated. Nope...they love me.

That folks...blows my mind. BOOM..I mean really blows my MIND. Acceptance, whoa...I've never felt it's wonderful.

I am rattling on here and I want to close but no worries...this topic will pop up again...and again, I'm sure.

I have a good friend, who is in recovery and is a Christian as well. He is the fellow I turned to when I started to have the feeling that what I was feeling inside of me was the Holy Spirit and the love of the Lord. I didn't know what to do. I really wasn't sure what was happening to me or sure if I wanted this to happen. That is obviously a critical realization....

He has often said (and I'm going to botch this para-phrase so sorry Glenn, my brother!): When he was first in recovery, people were talking about not drinking, change, spiritual principles, yea even God and he could sense that there was an answer for his recovery, somewhere in all this but he just hoped...really hoped that the answer WASN'T GOD.

And you know what? The answer most certainly was GOD. I am also experiencing that kind of feeling too. I want to stay sober...I love the changes in my life, I actually LOVE LIFE today. I will do ANYTHING to continue, ODAAT this kind of life...I just wish the answer hadn't been GOD. Let it be anything else: a Diet, Yoga, Running, Eating 2 freaking pieces of Rhubarb PIE a day...whatever...just not GOD!

But it's GOD, he was always there, even when I denied and rejected him repeatedly. I am alive today because he loved me enough to save me from myself. I can pretend that it wasn't him but I am not into playing games anymore with my life.

I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, my name is Thom and I's what I, it's what I AM.


  1. It's so amazing being let into your thoughts and feelings. I have always hated that many of my friends (most of them) are not Christians and they tell me the exact same reasons you had if it ever comes up. There really isn't a good way to combat that because I know a lot of it is true ...of a SMALL group of very loud "Christians" <---word used lightly there.

    Now - I'm not one to go out and convert - I just feel I'm called to love and accept and that by doing so it will signal something in folks around me - that they may see something different and then wonder. My friends know I'm Christian but they don't feel repelled. Folks weren't repelled by Jesus - they were drawn to him. Sinners were anyway - the arrogant so called "leaders" of the day were though. That says something.

    I'm rambling and probably not making too much sense so I'll stop. Just wanted to say I really enjoy seeing your struggles (that sounds horrible). I think it is hard to shed what we KNOW we knew...for what truly IS in actuality. Anyway - stopping now. Yes. ;)

  2. You're the man . Get in where you fit in. Keep pouring it out man, I'm reading