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Friday, February 18, 2011

What IT Is...

This morning I'll be continuing somewhat on the theme from the last post, at least as far as my writing on this blog are concerned.

The question I've been asking myself this morning is:
Am I writing and/or posting too much on Shell Shock? Is it cheapening the work or watering it down in any significant way. Or is it WHAT it just leave it. Accept that I'm doing what I sought to do originally: Catch stuff as it happens, capture a life in recovery, ODAAT: MINE.

Good question, hmmm. I'm not sure how to answer that because I probably have a couple different takes on it. I guess first I should ask what does it really matter, eh? I mean so what, I'm posting a few times a day is that an issue. Is it too much?

No I would say that it is Not...except if the writing or subject matter is CRAP. And that question of course is one I ask myself all the time yet I am obviously biased. Of course if I'm truly writing to WRITE, to capture "what IS" as it were then who gives a Rats A**, ya dig?

Huh, I do, I suppose because I (EGO here) would rather not write CRAP, if I can avoid it, haha. I mean we all (writers, that is) blow it and write stuff that isn't our best stuff. Hey it's going to happen. I do not want to get in a place here where I'm continuously editing out all the work I deem "less then ideal". That goes against the original concept of the blog for one, to capture things as they are. Sometimes capturing the "as they are" part means  documenting the fact that I'm having a bad writing writing poorly!

The second risk in editing it down to only the "good stuff" is the fact that the blog would probably be so short and small it would cease to exist. See I'm somewhat of a picky,, perfectionist and if I start cutting things out I think aren't great, well there wouldn't be anything left in the end...

Yea the old self-loathing, low self-esteem version of ME still exists and would chop the sh*t out of it, leaving at best...crumbs. I see no point in that...

I know that every time I get in one of these questioning moods, writing what I've started to call DILEMMA POSTS, that they almost ALWAYS lead straight back to my EGO: "I want credit, I want recognition, I want to be told I'm OK, etc...." 

Yep the only reason to even question why I'm writing so  often or if it's the right thing to do would be because I care what others think about it. I'm concerned about negative opinions and readership. And that is a doubt.

I'm human, I want to do the things I do...well. I want to improve and yes, I like recognition and success. When you blog...recognition and success is really based on how many people read and FOLLOW your blog. I've tried not to pay attention to that...and I've failed.

Sorry, I want to be liked...I know, sounds a bit pathetic but is it really? Don't most folks feel that way yet they just don't articulate it to the world in a post....? I would suspect that it's perfectly OK for me to want people to like me.

As long as that kind of thing doesn't become an actual EXPECTATION because let's face it: people are unpredictable and I have learned that it is downright dangerous to have expectations of others that directly affect how I feel about myself.

So if your solid in how you feel about yourself I think it's normal to want people to like what you do. But that isn't the point of this blog, is it. And I have to keep steering back to that original premise of capturing what it is like to be a recovering addict/alcoholic in this day and age. warts and wordy blog posts included.

So I just spent 40 minutes and however much time it took you, dear reader to read this to come to the obvious conclusion: I need to let go of it, keep EGO at arms length if possible and much like going to the toilet: If I need to write something...Write it and post it. That is what Shell Shock serenade...IS.

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