Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Bye Bye BRAVADO...I Don't Really Want To DIE
Sorry me dear readers out their in Shell Shock-Ville (other-wise know as the world or "real" world!!) I am posting again about my health. And please trust me when I tell you I would much rather be writing about anything else BUT this subject right now...but it 'tis what it 'tis.
I was diagnosed several years ago with Barrett's Esophagus, which even though I don't like to think about it puts me at very high risk of getting Cancer, in particular a lethal and nasty variety called: Esophageal Adenocarcinoma.
My visit to the Doctor's Office today reminded me in a big way what I have obviously been trying to block out of my mind: That I am indeed at very high risk for this kind of Cancer and today I discovered that I actually have some initial symptom's of it...and the doctors concern and mannerism quite honestly freaked me out a little bit...OK, a whole lot. I have great difficulty swallowing...I cannot swallow saliva while I am lying down, this is a huge reason I am unable to sleep right now. This is a symptom and when I started talking about how I haven't slept because I can't swallow, etc...h interrupted me and said that really concerned him. I am having another scope and biopsy done right after New Years to check this out...
I'll be honest my friends...anyone who knows me knows that I can get what I call NUDGES where I can tell sometimes when stuff is going to happen before it actually does. I got a bad feeling about this and typically I don't have this type of reaction when it comes to this stuff.
For many years while I was still a practicing addict/alcoholic I flaunted and taunted death. I LONGED to die and eventually tried to take my own life. I no longer feel that way, no not by a long shot. I enjoy life and would rather stick around for awhile. But I do believe if it's time well then it's time and I feel good about my relationship with GOD. I know how uncomfortable I am feeling so that doesn't help...
(Painting by Claude Monet)