Sunday, December 4, 2011
UNSTABLE-Early Morning GOOF-BALL Psychology
Do I think I'm...a nice guy? Do I like myself? Can I ever feel generally positive about myself ever again? I know that it sounds silly putting these questions out there for everyone to see but the truth is they were very IMPORTANT questions for me to answer as I was starting to put the pieces of my life back together.
And even though I was starting to recognize that I was not "all bad"...what little positive feeling and self esteem I did have was in reality extremely fragile...yea, in fact my whole life situation was fragile and at that moment I didn't even know if I did "make it" with this recovery thing what kind of life that meant for me. I recall feeling like I could literally unravel at any moment...a horribly uncomfortable feeling of instability that still lingers with me a bit even this morning.
Having a basic idea...er, notion of Faith has helped...that combination of believing in my heart and taking the obvious identifiable FACTS of my life then combining them gives me the strength/resolve that turns to TRUTH...to know deep down that what I was or how I acted in the past is not WHAT or WHO I really AM. That I can step out in the world today and feel confident that the bottom isn't going to fall out on me. That alone is HUGE because I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop...ALWAYS.
Hey...let's face it, BAD, BAD SH*T was always happening to me...that was not a figment of my imagination...nope, that was truly a undeniable fact. So why wouldn't I get conditioned to just expect it to always happen? Funny thing as I began to change..my life began to change and that stuff just wasn't happening anymore....
One day I just realized that things were so different and I was changed and maybe there was HOPE that life could really be a good thing. Yes that is the conclusion I actually came to: That LIVING this LIFE of mine might actually be OK after all.
It has taken much heart-ache, sacrifice and struggle to get here and I think I'm gonna stick around now for awhile...
(Painting: Henri Mattise)