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Thursday, December 8, 2011


I have often used the phrase "being whole" or the opposite..."not being whole"  while I have been describing what the emotional, psychological cost of addiction or rape is. The idea being that a piece of us as human being gets destroyed in the process of our agony, therefore we can never, EVER be truly a "whole" person again.

I really do think it is a realistic and relevant description of how damaged one does feel when they have experienced rape or addiction. I know I felt BROKEN and in fact I still do feel broken at times. That is the difficulty with this because with human emotions...things fluctuate with circumstance. I can feel totally good about myself until an incident, a movie or some other experience reminds me of what happened to me and that can bring those feelings of brokenness right back out into the light of day all over again.

I was commenting on another blogger's post and referring to the fact that she felt hurt or damaged by a certain circumstance in her life. I made a statement along the lines that I thought she would once again feel whole again some day...or at last a NEW VERSION of whole...again.

And that is what I am thinking about tonight...this concept of a "NEW VERSION" of a WHOLE or COMPLETELY INTACT THOM...a new ME,as it were.

It would be ridiculous to suggest that being raped and beaten as a boy didn't do some serious emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual damage to me. And yes, 36 years later I still feel that damage yet I now consider myself "whole" again though in reality I am obviously NOT the same person I was before this happened. So what gives...

Honestly dear reader...I am not sure that I am actually going to be able to really describe what I mean about feeling this new version of whole. Because it is complex...let's take the rape for example. Let's just say that having finally opened up about this experience, talked about it, blogged about it I am able to accept what happened to me. I now have a level of honest functionality, of being real that I have NOT had for decades. So what I mean about feeling whole again is I no longer feel openly BROKEN and deficient...unable like I was in the past to really function in certain circumstances.

So even though I have moments where I still feel fear, I still hurt or have no longer prevents me from living as a whole, complete person. I do NOT ever have to hold anything back IF I choose NOT TOO. That is the difference....

I imagine some of you are like " Huh!? What did he just say?!" And I understand but it does make perfect sense to me and in this particular case that is the most important thing...what I think and FEEL. And since I do have a true level of comfort and control in the "real" world I consider myself as a whole person least temporarily..and that may be the DEFINITION of the NEW may be fleeting or temporary. I can accept that...

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