I am typically a person that doesn't have a problem making a change if that is something that needs to be done, as a matter of fact I pretty much embrace change. For the last decade or more of my career at Herman Miller Furniture Co. I worked in the field of Management/Continuous Improvement (CI) which promoted the TPS (Toyota Production System) principals of change management. Basically I made my living turning employees worlds upside down to refine our production, management, storage, delivery, sales practices.
So when it finally came down to making changes in my own life...I was willing enough but often I was already feeling DEFEATED in between my ears...I'd already quit the game before it had even started. I didn't think it was possible for me to change certain aspects of my behavior and personality because I felt so FLAWED, so EVIL. I didn't think there was any hope for a person like me.
Eventually I didn't have a choice but to try so i did and amazingly things started change...for the WORST! Yes in certain ways my life got worse after I got sober before it got better. In all honesty, I had some wreckage from my past that I needed to get straitened out and my disastrous finances were part of that. So a year and a half after I got sober I declared bankruptcy and had to start over again. It was humiliating and it was HARD...but again, what was my alternative?
Once the major wreckage clean-up tasks of my life were completed and I had been sober awhile I could finally start to live a little bit as a sober person. Something that quite frankly had really intimidated me whenever I had thought about it before. Nothing in my life was the same after I came into recovery...everything and I mean EVERYTHING in my life had CHANGED because up to that point I had never really known how to function without the booze and the drugs. My self-esteem was still non-existent, I didn't trust myself or others at all...I was just winging it...sometimes that worked...at other times it definitely didn't work. But I kept plugging away...
And that has really been what recovery (LIFE) has been like the last 3 years now..a series of challenges to be met head on and overcome. And you know for the most part it's been a successful journey so far...
Last January I became a Christian as I have spoken frequently about here on the SHOCK...that transition has been an amazing experience for me as I have noted here on the blog BUT there have been some major difficulties along the way as well. But I trust God and I have good people in my life who have really shown me the way....
Tonight I am considering making another change in my life that on the surface doesn't seem like that big of a deal but in some ways it
really is. I have been going to a prayer meeting on Wednesday nights at my church. I have decided to change that and go to another small group that I feel has more benefit for me at this stage in my life. But the decision has been a hard one and I feel bad about leaving the first group which I have been attending even before I started to actually go to church
My ill heath and the lousy way I feel is also complicating this process tonight because I don't feel good enough to go outside really but I feel obligated to go and do...SOMETHING.
So that is where I am at in the change department these days....and this does even include all the changes related to K-Sue, her moving here and the long term aspects of our relationship...WHOA! And that's where the really big issues are, trust me.
Time to clean up and figure out if I should actually head out tonight or what. So stay tuned, dear reader...stay tuned.